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Aug 25, 2011
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Final Destination 5 is coming out this week and what can audiences expect: another brood of annoying tweens and TV unknowns being slaughtered in the most random of ways.[firstpara] Lets face the truth, after the first installment of the film–which was clever in using the concept of there’s no cheating death, “when it’s your time, it’s your time” thing–it all became, well, unoriginal in terms of the story’s plotline. But no one goes to these kinds of films expecting a lesson in cinéma vérité or mise-en-scène, you go to see attractive people get maimed and slaughtered by household appliances and/or get stabbed by berserk sharp objects. And it helps that now you can see all the blood and guts in 3D!



In the latest gore-tastic installment, a group of co-workers rally for an out-of-town-trip, hoping to get some downtime from the hustle-and-bustle of their careers. One of them (just like all the other films) has a vision of an accident involving the suspension bridge they are about to cross. He causes a scene, gets his friends out their bus and cheats death–or so they thought.

In the spirit of Final Destination and its insatiable appetite for the macabre, we have come up with stuff you should look out for so you don’t get bitten in the ass by the kiss of death. Think of this as a steady guide for knowing if you’re in a crass horror film and about to bite the dust. No one can truly cheat death, but maybe, just maybe, you can delay it.

1. Get your asses off the fucking plane!
Well, that isn’t necessarily the declarative statement you might hear verbatim, but any sentence close to it should do. If you’re in a plane, car, bus or any other mode of transportation for that matter and some random dude or girl–with leading star potential, meaning good looking in the nobody-believes-me kind of way–starts screaming that they’ve had a premonition of a grisly accident involving your vehicle, get off! If you aren’t in a state of emergency and can afford to, ehem, kill some time catch the next flight. Bitch might be crazy but on the off chance that it isn’t an act of psychosis, at least you’ve got another day on this planet.   



2. Just when you thought…
Some freak accident is about to kill your switch; some other indiscriminate event puts the nail on your coffin. The Final Destination franchise is most definitely a fan of red herrings, leading the unsuspecting audience one way by setting things in motion by creating tension–through a house-fire or botched electrical circuitry–and then bam! The old switcheroo and something else–like littered pasta and a fire escape pole through the eye (this did actually happened in the second film)–becomes the source of death. So when you’re feeling like things are too good to be true or for that matter going to the shits, secure yourself.
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NEXT: Never, ever say "I'm never going to die!"


WORDS BY: ANTON D. UMALI
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