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Feb 27, 2013
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Jack and the Beanstalk–that age-old tale told by your lola’s lola–is getting a cinematic makeover. Opening in theaters this week is Jack the Giant Slayer, the story of a young farm boy whose brush with some magic beans creates a gateway between the human and giant world. Conflict arises when an ancient war between the two races disrupts the peaceful balance of the universe. And, of course, there’s a beautiful princess waiting to be saved, too. This may very well be the story your grandmother used to lull you to bed, only imagined by fairy tale poaching studio execs.



Either Hollywood just can’t get enough of a good old David and Goliath story or they’ve simply run out of original ideas. One thing’s for sure, we’ve seen enough movies where the human race is threatened by gargantuan beings to learn how to slay them.

So, should genetically mutated dinosaurs, monstrous aliens from outer space, or blown up babies come attacking, here’s what you should probably do:

Jurassic Park

The giant: T-Rex
Slaying skill: Don’t move and don’t make a sound. Run around a bit. Then hire some Velociraptors to finish the job.

Unless you’ve got a gullible goat for dino-bait to distract the raging tyrannosaur, minimal movements and sounds is key at tricking this prehistoric predator. Then as you board your waiting helicopter for escape, release your pack of hungry Velociraptors on the unsuspecting Rex, and watch as they duke it out in a Paleolithic punch-out to the death.


Godzilla


The giant: Godzilla or Go-ji-ra as them Japanese say
Slaying skill: Trap that nuked newt and nuke its reptilian ass.

A wire-filled bridge will be key in snagging this mutated monster. Fill said bridge to the brim with raw fish to draw it in. And once its scaly self is all tangled up, send in the air force for some much needed missile action. Or call up Jeff Goldblum. He'll know what to do. Probably.


Honey I Blew Up the Kid


The giant: Terribly tall two-year-old
Slaying skill: Call in that kid’s momma.

You’d probably need a building-sized stuffed toy or a pacifier as huge as a boulder to calm this tyrannous toddler’s tirade. But when all is lost, do what Rick Moranis did and bring in his mommy. Hey, remember he’s just a baby. This is entirely his stupid scientist dad’s fault anyway.


NEXT: Make room for Stay Puft, Cloverfield monster, King Kong and the 50-foot woman


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WORDS: ANTON D. UMALI
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