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May 28, 2013
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Velociraptors scaring you shitless in mind-boggling 3D? You know you’re already pissing your dino-designed boxer briefs!

The people behind the Jurassic Park franchise are re-releasing the 1993 monstrous adventure classic that changed the landscape of animatronics and computer graphics in filmthis time with a three-dimensional spin. You know the story: Man plays God by creating a dinosaur theme park with genetic engineering, and everything is fun and dandy…till the attractions start eating the guests.

Word on the Interwebz has been positive on this sensory-steroid reboot, and the dinosaur geeks in us couldn’t help but gush at the fact that we get to see some of our favorite scenes refurbished in 3D. Put on those clunky glasses, gentlemen, things are about to get pretty prehistoric! Here’s our Top Five.


1) T-REX BREAKS FREE

In what is probably the film’s most iconic sequence, Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) and the rest of the tour group get stuck by the Tyrannosaurus Rex pen due to a power outage, leaving them vulnerable to the alpha predator’s raging hunger.

From this we learned that, in the event of a T-Rex attack, we should minimize movement as their eyesight sucks like salty balls. Of course, the kids were saved; Spielberg would never let a pre-teen be gorged-down in a PG-13 movie. It was that poor goat (and the abandoning dipshit that locked himself in the toilet) that got the short end of this deal.




2) DILOPHOSAURUS SPITS AND EATS TRAITOROUS FATSO


Didn’t every audience member want to punch Dennis Nedry’s traitorous and pudgy face upon hearing “Uh! Uh! Uh! You didn’t say the magic word”? We thought so. Good thing that poisonous Dilophosaurus showed him a thing or two about the fate of greedy bastards: You get acidic muck on your face and get eaten like the pig of society you already represent. Score one for the dinosaurs.




NEXT: Stampeding giant "ostriches" and those darned raptors!


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