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May 27, 2014
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If you’re sick and tired of Disney princesses and their woe-is-me victim complex, then maybe you should set your sights on Maleficent. Opening tomorrow in cinemas (May 28), the Angelina Jolie-starring Sleeping Beauty spin-off turns the attention to the titular villain who made Aurora’s (that’s Sleeping Beauty’s name, Disney noobs) life a living nightmare.

Chronicling Maleficent’s ascent from lowly fairy to wicked witch, the fantasy flick might seem like a viewing experience more suited for your girlfriend and her younger sisters. But don’t be fearful. Purchasing a ticket to see the villainess in action won’t rob from your bro-points because real men can enjoy Disney without having to feel guilty or embarrassed. Plus, it's got that dark Christopher Nolan-y vibe to it, so that's always good.

Here are eight other reasons why you should dip into this tale as old as time–wait, wrong movie...


1) EVERYONE LOVES AN UNDERDOG

Having a villainess take the lead is where the originality of this outing comes into play. For a change, the plot of the film takes the focus away from the heavenly princess that everyone is familiar with and delves deep into the shadowy psyche of the antagonist.

It’s no secret that Disney takes pride in its underdogs. Cinderella was practically a maid in her own household, Ariel of The Little Mermaid was a sea-drifter who dreamt of having luscious legs and being “part of your world,” and Aladdin was a beggar and petty street urchin.

It’s time to pay homage to the evil, misunderstood creatures of fairytale-landia, and Maleficent is the perfect poster girl for the job. Idea for another spin-off: Ursula: Wet and Wild Bitch of the Sea. Sounds like a blockbuster already.

On second thought...


2) HORNS ARE WAY SEXY

You’ll be surprised at how many Disney psychos there are on the Internet. There are numerous obsessive sites dedicated to the love of their characters that it’s almost fetishist. We’ll bet our jobs and our testicles (well, maybe not our testicles) that after this movie’s release, we’ll see a spike in Maleficent Halloween costumes.

Imagine your girl donning the dark cape, with porcelain makeup, and sinister red lips. Sounds like a happily ever after, right? Hey, no one’s complaining. Just as long as she keeps us up all night long instead of putting us to sleep.

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Oh, we're so turned on right now


3) TRIPPY VISUALS

If the early trailers of the movie are to be believed, then there’s no reason not to see this movie stoned out of your wits.

 

Insanely sick graphics, weird CGI creatures, and mind-bending spell casting in I-MAX 3D are a snooze-fest if you’re sober as fuck. But hey, lay off the ganja if you’re planning to…


4) SCORE BROWNIE POINTS WITH YOUR HONEY

You can save seeing the latest X-Men sequel for a movie night-out with the bros. If you want to impress the ladylove, take her out on a family date. Bring her little sisters along to show your inherent sensitive side and your capacity for the conservative.

Then after the movie, dump the naughty brats back home and go on a malicious couple’s joyride. #MaitimNaBalak


NEXT: Angelina Jolie and Elle Fanning give you pretty faces to look at!


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