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Aug 18, 2011
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By the time Fernando Poe Jr. bit the dust a couple years ago, the truth was no one was making traditional Pinoy action movies anymore.[firstpara] And his death, pushing all political issues aside then, was the final nail on the coffin on those kinds of movies.

                                                         Above: the nightmare of every movie goon

But his movies and those of other action stars, their shared fondness for shooting down entire armies still remain relevant today. At least in drunken conversations when we’d all make fun of just how ridiculous the exploits of these action movie stars were.

For the bad guys in those movies, it was also ridiculous as it was awful. They had as much chance of killing the hero as an ant trying to lift the foot of a person trying to crush it. So in other words: Forget about applying for a job like this.

But should you become one of those goons, here are the ten things that you shouldn’t do to make your life as a goon less difficult.

1) Should you receive an instruction for a drive-by on the hero’s residence, avoid killing the hero’s wife and kids.
Under most circumstances, you’re only doing the drive-by to scare off and threaten the good guy so that he’ll stop investigating your syndicate’s illicit operations. If ever you kill his loved ones, well then buddy, you’re in for it. He’ll go bad cop on you, will put the law in his hands, and massacre your entire gang. Paquito Diaz or Subas Herrero, included.

2) Don’t start a fight in a beerhouse
You’re chilling with your goon-mates, kicking back with a couple bottles along with a lady friend to accompany you. This beerhouse is your gang’s turf, so you feel like no one can touch you here. But, just as when you and your mates are laughing hard about that time you forgot to tie your kidnapped victim tight enough and thus, almost escaped, you see another goon alone in another table looking you. The moment that happens, look away, and fast. Don’t say something like “Anong tinitingin tingin mo diyan?!” Because then he’ll pull a .45 on you and kill all of you. That dude aims even better in the dark confines of the beerhouse.
3) Hide and never come out
In the extremely rare case that you avoid the hero’s first volley of shots, and manage to find a good hiding spot, don’t ever come out again. The movie gods don’t smile too often on thugs like you, so don’t test your luck; try to get a shot in and be a hero (because really you’re not). You can be sure that the next time you pop your head out, the next bullet you encounter is going straight to your noggin. Better to just wait for all the shooting to die down, and wait to get arrested by the cops, no matter how long that takes.

4) Remember that the hero never runs out of bullets
Speaking of bullets, you’d best keep in mind that the hero is a cheap player; he always has that unlimited ammo cheat on. Sometimes, you’ll see him reload, but that’s only to make it not seem too obvious that he’s already killed like 50 of your buddies with a clip that only holds 30 bullets.


5) Whatever your gun is, it only has an effective range of two feet.
It’s already unfair that the hero never runs out of ammo. What’s worse is that the hero has an invincible force field around him that deflects all your bullets. You can shoot all you want, but all your shots will only be hitting walls, the ground, the trees (if you’re in a forest) and vases and statues that admittedly add to the drama and action when shot. If you’re lucky, you might hit the hero’s sidekick, which is actually not a good thing because it only angers him more. And heroes in angry Rambo mode have been proven to be even more invincible.  

 6) Shoot the hero right away should you get within two feet
For a reason that not even science can explain, the hero will sometimes run out of bullets. When this happens, you’ll find yourself approaching the helpless hero in a hilariously slow manner with a grin on your face. You’ll think “I finally got him! The boss is sure to give me a bonus!” And that is the biggest mistake that goons make when approaching unarmed heroes. Because you didn’t pull the trigger right away, his injured partner throws him a gun, which the hero is able to catch without any difficulty at all, because you have to understand, this is all happening in slow motion. You actually see the gun flying towards the hero, but because of your utter shock, you still won’t be able to pull the trigger in time.

7) Never get into a fistfight with the hero
Even if you happen to be that special goon who’s supposed to be THE martial expert of the entire syndicate, and who the boss only calls upon when the situation gets really sticky, you’re still going to lose. Heroes are a very creative bunch, and will always manage to find a way to defeat you no matter how black your black belt on movie karate is. Worse, you might even get a taste of the ultimate humiliation move: The Pompyang.

8) Never try to rape the hero’s leading lady
First, we have to make it clear that you really shouldn’t rape anyone for reasons we hope we don’t have to explain to you. But when you’re in a movie where an action hero is after you, don’t ever try to rape his lady love that you just kidnapped. The moment you try to lift her skirt up or try to feel her up, a homing device will activate automatically, and the hero will appear out of nowhere. At which point, you’ll be caught with your pants down, giving him an easier time to shoot you where it hurts the most (the balls) and rescue the girl.

9) If you get to hear the hero say the movie’s title during a confrontation with your boss, then congratulations, you're going to make it alive
If you followed our advice to just stay hidden, chances are you’ll get to hear the sweetest words that every goon wishing to survive will hear: the movie’s title. “Isang bala ka lang!” “Gawa na ang balang papatay sa ‘yo!”  Because that means the movie’s about to end, you didn’t die, and you’re simply going to get round up by policemen with towels tied around their foreheads. Sweet!