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Feb 2, 2012
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If you’re someone who watches a lot of movies in actual theaters, then you must also get to watch a lot of movie trailers. For that example of solid, infallible logic we’ve just given you, you are most welcome, kind sirs.

Now, suppose we are put in the shoes of someone who merely downloads movies. As a consequence, he hasn’t seen any of the trailers of these movies that open this week: The Grey, Chronicle, Journey 2, Man On A Ledge and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Here now is his chance. Nabbed fresh from Youtube, and annotated with our own meticulous analysis of each, we help you decide if the full thing’s worth seeing!

Allow us to make an ass of you and me and assume that most of you here consume your movies via sharing of files. That's a lot of you missing one of the best things about going to the movies: trailers! So allow us to recover from making assumptions and present you Trailer-Spotting. It's when, yes you guessed it, we spot and put trailers together. Smart, eh?  

1) The Grey

Starring: Liam Neeson

What we see: This looks like Man Vs. Wild if it were adapted to the big screen minus Bear Grylls and more Liam Neeson, who starts the trailer with a lonely monologue of how much he longs to see his woman. Things explode, and as it turns out, he is a plane-crash survivor, and is now left to fend out for himself and bunch of other lucky bastards in a harsh, snowy mountain. Fuckin’ wolves are out to get them, and Liam, being the bad-ass that he is, prepares to do battle using shards of glass.

Why we’d watch it: It’s been a while since we’ve seen a survival movie. We’re intrigued if the survivors will be drinking their own piss too.

2) Chronicle

Starring: Alex Russell, Michael Kelly, Michael B. Jordan

What we see: Three young fellas are riding a car, just chilling, looking every bit the start of a teen thriller movie. In a diner, one of them tries stabbing the other guy’s hand with a fork. We nearly grimace, and then we find out that the fork has been bent. These guys have superpowers! Telekinesis, it seems like. They pull a couple of hilarious pranks such as scaring a girl with a teddy bear, hiding a woman’s car (“yes, it was the black guy this time” quips one), taking off a woman’s bra, and crashing some guy’s car into a lake, killing him in the process.

Wait, what? Yup, one of them goes batshit crazy and goes to the dark side of the force.

Why we’d watch it: Because a guy named Michael B. Jordan is in it, and we expect nothing but greatness when we hear that name. And yes, he’s the black guy. Also, we’re rooting for an Uncle Ben cameo so he can scold these guys with his patented “great power, great responsibility” speech.

NEXT: Onwards to an island of mystery!