Aside from the semi-talented Dakota Johnson exposing her supple nipples and brunette bush, there’s nothing much titillating about Fifty Shades of Grey the movie. With an open mind and in our best erection-friendly outfits, we went to see the movie with our girlfriends this Valentine’s weekend.
We wanted to see what the fuss was all about. We wanted to give it a shot. We wanted a whopping hard-on as promised by all that annoying viral material online.
But instead of getting the harsh, sexually tense, passionately liberated whipping we were hoping for, what we got was a gentle smack in the form of a meandering film adaptation packaged in the same manner as every stereotypical fairy tale romance. Don’t let all the handcuffs, flogging, and rabid humping fool you. These devices are merely disguises for what actually penetrates: corniness.
We're setting our honesty meter up to 100 percent as we give you the 15 other reasons Fifty Shades turned our half-chub into a drooping softie.
1) It’s Twilight: Redux
If fang-banger Bella Swan was a lowly virgin (wait, wasn’t she?) and you replaced Edward Cullen’s taste for blood for a BDSM kink, then it’s practically the same storyline.
College student Anastasia Steele (Ana to her more intimate acquaintances) gets madly infatuated with telecommunications businessman Christian Grey during an interview. She wants him. He wants her. Only she needs to be the submissive to his dominance, punishing her to get off.
It’s the classic forbidden love trope–only a tad vapid and exploits a sexual subculture in order to get repressed women’s panties wet. Stephenie Meyer should sue E.L. James, because if Shakespeare were alive, he’d probably haul both their asses to court.
2) It’s bondage-lite
Hardcore, Fifty Shades of Grey is not. People anticipated some rough and randy romps. What’s with all the peacock feathers, ice cubes, and champagne kisses? Did we walk into a special screening of Downton Abbey?
3) The Robotic Christian Grey
Dakota deserves some credit for coloring up a film so tepid it makes your grandma’s sex life look salacious. Her Ana is charming and carries some semblance of self-awareness that this film isn’t supposed to be taken too seriously.
We can’t say the same about Jamie Dornan’s Christian Grey. It’s a shame. He’s probably capable of ripping away your honey’s undies with one glaring stare. Too bad he’s such a bad actor. With a demeanor as monotone as his dapper outfits, it almost seems like the producers hired a model to take on this supposed complicated role. Oh, wait, that’s exactly what they did.
Grey's one of those rare men who's more interesting with his back turned
4) The Red Room of Pain
It looks more like a pretty, family-friendly set from a magazine like Real Living. Grey’s playroom (a.k.a. torture chamber) is decked out to the nines, with pain-dealing equipment worthy of a museum. Who knew that dominants had such refined taste!
Nothing spells “slap my ass” better than a well-furnished dungeon. Oh, the pulchritude! The sophistication!
5) Cringe-inducing lines
When Christian tells Anastasia: “I don’t make love. I fuck…hard,” it sets the tone for the absurd, laugh out loud (read: badly written) dialogue about to befall the poor victims who wasted two hundred bucks to see this hot mess.
So it’s a sex comedy! Why didn’t they say so? Our personal favorite: when Christian and Ana are arguing, she asks him why he doesn’t like to be touched. As he slams his hands on the table, he utters, “I’m fifty shades of fucked-up.” Really? For such a fucked-up character, this dude seems so one-dimensional.
6) It sets the bar for dates really high
Christian’s idea of a date is taking Ana on helicopter rides and plane rides. Okay, we get it, you’d make a great pilot. Thanks for ruining dating for the rest of mankind, you rich prick.
Now, our car's going to look even older, thanks to you, Grey!
7) Anastasia Steele is your run-of-the-mill gold-digger
Luckily for Mr. Grey, Ana is quite wooed by fancy-schmancy materialism. He dolls her up in the prettiest dresses, provides her with hotel-like rooming accommodations, and even buys her a sleek red Audi R8. Hey, if he bought us one of those, we’d let him punish us, too!
8) Those ridiculous character names
It’s as if author E.L. James threw darts to come up with her protagonists’ names. The truth: They were two hits away from being Christian White and Anastasia Gold.
Don’t count on any crotch shots. Most graphic sex scenes were pixelated in all the areas you wouldn’t want pixelation to occur. If we wanted to see blurred body bumping, we’d visit Japanesebeauties.net (please check it out later!).
Lots of kissing though which would've been really great if we were 15 years old:
10) It’s a movie where nothing happens
So the whole conflict of the movie revolves around Christian trying to get Ana to sign a contract with terms for their future dominant-submissive relationship. Their back and forth rapport is hellish in the sense that the characters never grow–Grey always telling her they’re not right for each other; Anastasia, better judgment notwithstanding, always come back for more.
And in the end, SPOILER ALERT, she doesn’t even put pen to paper despite already getting off on a few rudimentary spank-and-fucks.
11) The extras are hotter than the movie as a whole
Grey’s assistants look like they came straight off the catwalk and into his offices. Mr. Grey, please tell us, where can we find secretaries like that?
Seeing these hot secretaries was a good thing...for us. For the movie, if your extras get more excitement out of us than the actual plot/conflict/main characters, then yes there's something wrong.
12) There’s just too much lip biting
Which in the narrative is supposed to be Anastasia’s tell when she’s horny. So subtle, we know. She does it whenever Christian is about to jump her bones and even bites on a pencil with his name engraved on it when she’s having wet daydreams in class. In fact, this movie should've been Kagat Labi: The Movie.
Joey de Leon would have been proud:
13) Women in the audience were getting giddy
Try enjoying a film when there’s constant jeering of “Ayyyy, ang cute naman ni Christian Grey!” littering the theater. It’s simultaneously awesome and disheartening that this is the stuff that turns women on nowadays.
14) Punishment scene
One integral scene finally sees Christian punishing Anastasia, violently thrashing her with a belt. The darkly fashioned sequence is so disconnected from the rest of the fluffy, highly romanticized mood of the movie that it’s kind of jarring. It would’ve been understandable, if the events prior build up to that supposed climax. Instead it feels like the audience is suddenly transported into another movie altogether, only adding to the confusion of this screwed-up relationship.
15) The prevailing mediocrity
The real problem with Fifty Shades of Grey is that it’s neither really good nor really bad. It’s just somewhere in between, coasting in missionary position when it should’ve been pumping hard doggy-style. They should’ve just called the film Fifty Shades of Sleepy.
And while we're at it, why not put Michael Cera in the lead role?
And with that, we take off our Hater Hat. Happy hatin' non-fan of Fifty Shades!
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