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Mar 14, 2016
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The entire Earth was shaken to its core when Facebook globally launched its newest feature called Reactions last month. If you’re still unaware of it, then you’re still probably on MySpace. It’s a level up from the social network’s successful Like button. Now, we can express a more specific feeling to the nature of a post: Love, Haha, Wow, Sad, and Angry. After all, not every post is likable. Now, you can even swap them for Pikachu or Donald Trump.

While this nuanced way of reacting is a welcome upgrade, we here at FHM feel like five new Reactions aren’t enough. We experience a gamut (big word!) of emotions every time we scroll our News Feed and “do research” on our crush’s Timeline. After all, Facebook is as cathartic as an Ernest Hemingway novel. Don’t tell us you don’t shed a tear for every “Nae Nae” dance video you see.  

So like every rare responsible Facebook user, we decided to come up with more non-verbal cues to add to the first five Reactions. After reading, don’t forget to Love or Haha this article. Or Angry it if you feel offended.  


MEH

Change is the only constant thing in the world, someone said. Obviously, that someone isn’t on Facebook. On FB (as the cool people like to call it), we get constantly bombarded by idiotic posts. The Meh Reaction is for the same shit you see every day. You see them so much, they don’t deserve a reaction. But in social media, even a non-reaction is a reaction. Or something like that.

It’s for your friend’s daily selfie. Sometimes twice, thrice, 57,896 times in 24 hours. We get it, you adore yourself. You don’t need to plaster your duck face on our News Feed. It’s for that friend whose idea of art is a photo of his/her Starbucks cup. We get it, you like your coffee with your name on it. You don’t need to post it like it’s the world’s best coffee.

It’s for the re-posts of your friend about every single update about his/her favorite singer. “Adorbs photo of Taylor Swift with her new cat!” “New video of Tay-Tay wiping her mucus!” We get it, you’re a Swiftie. You’re not obligated to post every dance video of her latest single. Unless it’s Yassi Pressman dancing.

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Variety is a good thing, friends. Don’t be a bore. Try expanding interests.


SCHWARZENEGGER

While we love Tito Arnold very much, we mean this Reaction in a sarcastic way. It’s for those silly gym-related posts that pop on Facebook daily like acnes on the face of a protein shake addict (we’re not really familiar with the side effects of protein shakes, we’re just assuming pimples would be one of them).

We all have that friend who can’t stop posting his/her gym OOTD or latest core training achievement (SIX BURPEES YEAHHH!). Then there are those photos of muscle-flexing in front of a mirror. Sige na, ikaw na si Schwarzenegger. We respect that you like to keep fit and maintain a healthy lifestyle. But can you just keep it to a minimum? We don’t want updates on your body fat.

Maybe just create a Facebook group with your gym buddies. Or better yet, just talk with them personally in a more appropriate place. Like the gym perhaps. What happens in the treadmill, stays in the treadmill. But if you look like Coleen Garcia...


...or Yanet Garcia aka Our Favorite Weather Girl in the Milky Way...


...feel free to share more of your gym updates. But if you don’t, well, just don’t. Don’t put the “dumb” in dumbbell. That’s a dumb joke, but you get our point.

HIPSTER

Facebook is a treasure chest. That is if you consider obscure videos, indecipherable art, and Elite Daily articles as gold (“30 Things to Do if You’re 30 Years Old” or “How I Bravely Quit My Job to Travel Around the World But I Got Mugged in Bolivia and Now I Don’t Have Any Money Because I Quit My Job”).

Most people are on Facebook so they can project their coolness and personality to everyone. While, that’s generally acceptable, sadly, others try too hard to be cool, unique, and profound. Lalim-laliman too much.

That’s why Facebook needs a Hipster Reaction. An emoji with thick horn-rimmed glasses, a full beard, and a bonnet. Here’s a quick guide to posts that warrant the Reaction: Arcade Fire music videos, a grayscale photo of a window with rain droplets, a trailer of Wes Anderson’s latest movie, a quote by David Foster Wallace, a sepia-toned photo of a half-empty coffee mug, anything about the Memphis Grizzlies, a re-post of the latest Coachella poster that he/she can’t go to (“OMG Arcade Fire!”), a photo of a typewriter, a photo of a vinyl player, a photo of a typewriter beside a vinyl player, etc. Well actually on second thought, hipsters don’t do Facebook. They’re too cool for it.

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WHATEVER

What’s worse than a hipster? A serial rapist. But for the purposes of this article, that’s not the correct answer. What’s worse than a hipster is a poser. Just in case you’re not familiar with the term because you’re still busy with “Carrot Man,” a poser is someone who acts superficially just to impress others. He/she just goes with what’s popular or trending so he/she will be easy to like. That’s infinitely worse, right? Unfortunately, Facebook is the favorite tambayan of posers.

The Whatever Reaction would call bullshit on the posers. To articulate it more clearly in exquisite Tagalog, ikuwento mo sa pagong. We said earlier that it’s good to expand interests, but not the poser’s way. Once a poser sees his News Feed filled with a certain topic, he/she will immediately jump in on it without really understanding it.

Most people, especially the so-called Millennials don’t want to be left out. Again, it’s about the cool factor. “Wow, everyone’s posting about Madonna. I guess now, I’m a super fan too.” “RIP, David Bowie. What’s your song again?” Only on Facebook you can see people who can’t even stand sports transform into die-hard followers all of a sudden. “OMG! Steph Curry! <3<3<3” “Conor McGregor! #Respect #Wow #Nice #Punch #MMA.” Whatever.  


HEARTBROKEN

There’s a Love Reaction on Facebook, so it’s only appropriate to have a Heartbroken one too (be fair, Mark Zuckerberg!) Obviously, it’s for those posts that make you feel like your heart was stabbed, gutted out, swallowed by a rabies-infected dog, spit out, get thrown into boiling garbage liquid, picked up again, and then fed to a pervert orangutan.  

It’s for when your longtime crush posts that “He/She is in a Relationship with (insert tagged person here).” It’s for a photo of your ex-girlfriend showing off her shiny, shimmering engagement ring. It’s for the guy/girl you’re stalking who refuses to reply to even one of your 900 comments on her new profile picture. It’s for a video of your friend snagging the last pair of Space Jam Jordan 11s that you’ve been saving up for the entire year. It’s for a news article about James Reid and Nadine Lustre getting into a fight. It’s for a random photo of sour cream Potato Corner fries, which you can’t eat anymore because you’re on a matter-of-life-and-death diet.

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Remember, the emotion cuts deeper than your regular despair. It stabs at the very core of your existence. The Sad Reaction isn’t enough. Nothing like Facebook to remind us of the really important things in life.


PUKE

First off, don’t read it as a Tagalog word. Just to be clear, it’s another English word for “vomit.” There are many disgusting things on Facebook.

 

Like those photos of skin diseases:



Or videos of zit poppings...



...and life musings of Kris Aquino. But this Reaction isn’t for those. It’s for those overly cheesy posts about love (can we stop using “May Forever” now?). We can only take so much online displays of affection.

We understand how some get swept up in their relationship. Masarap nga naman ma-inlab. But please, for the love of David Pomeranz, don’t share everything! We don’t care about your weeksaries or a photo of the tickets from the last movie you saw together. It’s one thing to be proud of your partner, but another to shove it down our throats. “So in love with my boyfie! Mwah mwah tsup tsup! Just got off the phone with him 10 seconds ago. Can’t wait to call him again in 4 seconds!!!” Bleh! “Bought these 5 dozen roses for my bae. She really brings out the best in me. She even makes me bring out my credit card.” Bleh!

You’re not a Star Cinema production or a Hallmark card. Reserve your love professions for Valentine’s or your anniversary.


MIDDLE FINGER

Yes, there are numerous bothersome people on Facebook (the ones mentioned above), but mostly, they’re still tolerable. We, however, all have a special place in the deepest recesses of our heart for that one Facebook friend who annoys the shit out of us. That guy/girl who makes you want to light your laptop on fire just by seeing his/her name on your News Feed. Literally everything he/she posts irritates you to Kim Kardashian-esque levels. The person never did anything wrong to you personally or consciously, yet for some unexplainable reason, you just abhor him/her like Manny Pacquiao detests not having common sense.

This explicit Reaction is exclusively for that exceptional person. It directly conveys what you feel about him/her and every single post on his/her Timeline. He/she just got a job promotion? Click that Middle Finger. A spoiler on the latest episode of The Walking Dead? Hey, how you like my Middle Finger? A lengthy status about his/her fondness for organic food? Take this Middle Finger and eat it.

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Come on, you all know what we’re talking about. We all have that one Facebook friend we want to smack in the face even just once. Why have a Dislike button when you can easily say “Fuck you?” It's more eloquent.

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