WORDS: Chrissy D. Icamina
PHOTOGRAPHY: Paolo Pineda
DAY 1 - GAUGE
You can’t be a good lover unless you yourself can tell if a woman’s a dynamo in the sack. Aside from the done to death signs, there are other subtle signs. If she’s a take-charge kind of girl, it means she knows what she wants and therefore, like a good lover, she takes responsibility for her own pleasure.
DAY 2 - LOCATE
Locate your pelvic floor muscles by controlling the surge of your piss when you go to the big boys’ room. Now that you have them at your beck and call, learn some pelvic floor exercises.
DAY 3 - STRENGTHEN
Do pelvic floor exercises like the following: Help increase muscle mass by pulling your pelvic muscles in and holding them in for 10 seconds. Repeat 10 times.
DAY 4 - PROLONG
Do the same schlong strengthening exercise—except this time, hold for 30 seconds. Repeat 10 times, too. Do the pecker workouts once in the morning and in the evening. Its effect isn’t as instant as your hard-on at the sight of your ladylove in lingerie, but you’ll notice its benefits in weeks.
DAY 5 - DELAY
In case you want to hold in your jizz longer, practice the Day 4 exercise. Then, with the help of glorious porn, stimulate yourself up to the point of heavenly release—then stop. Then pick up from when the burning in your loins had subsided. Repeat thrice.
DAY 6 - SHIFT
No time to practice the anti-climaxing technique? Then try the start-and-stop-on-top-of-your-honey method. To prevent premature ejaculation, subtly stop by changing positions.
DAY 7 - FLEX
When you’ve worked up some wood—or woke up with one—throw a small towel over your shaft. Then, flex your muscles as though your schlong were doing arm curls. Try hard to execute 10 curls before throwing in the towel.
DAY 8 - INCREASE
Boost your sperm count. One way is to keep your balls cool—literally. So, forget those macho dancer tightie-whities and taut leather pants that keep them pushed against your hot body.
DAY 9 - EAT
Spices spice up any bedroom romp. Mustard boosts libido while ginger stimulates the circulatory system—which is responsible for the kilig in your nerves. Stock up on fish, too, as the Omega 3 fatty acid raises the serotonin levels in the brain, which lifts any PMS-ing woman’s mood.
DAY 10 - AVOID
Don’t eat overly fatty food on a night that promises a wild session in the sack. Fat digests longer than butt-spelling supercalifragelisticexpialidocious—backwards. And this, as blood is sidetracked to your digestive system and away from your reproductive system.
DAY 11 - FEED
Like Roman bacchanalian feasters, feed each other berries, preferably dipped them in low-fat cream. Berries contain compounds that relax your blood vessels and in turn, you guessed it, improve blood circulation.
DAY 12 - STRAY
Devote 30 minutes in the shower. Feel the water run through your body and notice where you get the best sensations—and again, we don’t just mean your giddy trunk. Experiment on various strokes and pressures as you scrub your libag away and see which and where you like it best. What’s the point? The more you’re acquainted with your body, the more you’ll enjoy sex.
DAY 13 - CLEAN
If you’re expecting some loving, for heaven’s—and your ladylove’s—sake, groom yourself for the big event. Take a shower, scour your butt crack, brush your teeth, and please put on fresh underwear. Concentrate on areas of your body that you want to smell and taste good enough to eat.
DAY 14 - REINFORCE
Add pogi points to your smooch-fest by doing either or all of the following: holding her chin with one hand, stroking her back, supporting her face with both hands, or interlocking fingers with her. Sweet!
DAY 15 - PROTECT
Don’t wait for her to ask you if you have protection. Take the initiative by always keeping a fresh pack of rubber handy. Regardless of your master shagger status, an STD or fathering an unwanted pregnancy will lower any man’s rank from first class lover to second-rate letdown.
DAY 16 – STRIP
Don’t just rip off everything like a man dying to get beamed up an alien spaceship. Leave something to her imagination by removing pieces of clothing one at a time. Allowing her to remove some of them herself is an even better idea.
DAY 17 - ASK
Even lovers in the ranks of Ron Jeremy can’t possibly know each and every little thing women desire in bed. If you really want to know what your lady loves between the sheets, simply ask. For instance, ask, “Do you want me to touch you softer or harder?” “Sideways, up and down, or round and round?” or “Just one finger or my entire hand?”
DAY 18 - STEER
Let her show you what her body desires. Let her take your hand and put hers on top of yours. Then let her guide you to wherever divine places she wants. Realize, though, that she’s shitting you if she’s leading your hand up your own ass.
DAY 19 - RESPECT
Whatever you do, don’t disrespect her. So, before calling her “dirty little whore” while banging her or dribbling your ejaculate all over her face, make sure she’s given you her unqualified, not labas-sa-ilong go-ahead.
DAY 20 - RESTRAIN
For the Nth time, we have to remind you that women dig foreplay. And legit foreplay begins miles away from the home plate—even far from second base. Kiss her everywhere but the lips, stroke her arms and face, run your hands through her hair, and just put a leash on the rabid animal roaring to pounce on your ladylove, even for just a few minutes. Better yet, wait for her to pounce on you first.
DAY 21 - MOISTEN
Never insert anything dry in her love tunnel. Wait for the outer portion of the entrance to her vagina to be moist before putting anything in. Smear saliva—yours or hers—to two fingers and lightly slide them in her. Better yet, prolong foreplay to get her entire body hot for you!
DAY 22 - WATCH
Even if she constantly pesters you to put your porn DVD stash away, fact is, porn will still turn her on—as long as it’s about other couples having sex. Lie naked beside each other while watching some European “art film.” As the couple on the TV screen bang their brains out, stop gawking at them from time to time to kiss your real-life porn star or to fiddle with her fine form. Keep in mind, though, to focus on her more than on the film.
DAY 23 - ATTEMPT
When it’s her time of the month, it’s either 1) She’s at her bitchiest or 2) She’s at her horniest. So, if she’s not whining herself to death during her period, she’ll be moaning to high heavens during a sinful shag. If she’s good to go—and you just have to get inside her pronto—have kinky sex in the shower. Not only will it be good, clean fun, you’ll save her the trouble of laundering the sheets.
DAY 24 - KNOW
Make the moves on her when she’s ovulating, which is two weeks from the first day of her period. See, women who are ovulating have a “higher level of testosterone”—yup, those horny hormones that you have a lot of. On those days, seeing you naked will get her hormones as restless as a drunk who had just laid his eyes on the videoke machine.
DAY 25 - POSITION
Just because you want to do her from behind doesn’t mean that you disrespect her. Have her get on all fours (only with her consent!) then enter her from behind and do a couple of short, hard pumps and then one lingering slow stroke.
DAY 26 - VARY
Learn another way to play it at the rear. Get your babe to arch her back radically, like a pussycat stretching. Not only does it make her rump look like really lovely lady lumps, it also creates an angle that directs your love shaft right smack at her G-spot.
DAY 27 - STAY
Bailing out on a one-night affair the second after you get off is a no-no. Of course, you don’t have to spend the night if you don’t want to, especially since once your hard-on vanishes, so does your beer goggles. But devote at least 30 minutes talking to her before you run off—so it won’t be too obvious that you’re actually running off.
DAY 28 - THANK
Thank her for being the bomb between the sheets or going down on you—without saying “Thank you.” See, thanking her directly will make her feel like a hooker. Instead, show your gratitude by saying things like, “That was the most amazing blowjob ever!” or “Goodness, you’re the only woman who has the balls to lick my balls!”
DAY 29 - CHALLENGE
Don’t push her head down your crotch if you don’t want her to feel a blowjob is something she’s forced to do—thus, something she won’t find pleasure in doing. First, make the area look, smell, and taste inviting enough. Then challenge her. Tell her you think having oral sex explosive enough for you to reach orgasm is a myth. She’ll be motivated to prove you wrong.
DAY 30 - SACRIFICE
Every now and then, don’t even expect her to go down on you. In fact, even as she’s inching her way towards tooting your horn, hold her chin and guide her towards your lips instead. Or go give her love passage an incredible tongue-lashing without demanding anything in return. We’re fucking serious. See, it’s the ladies who can credibly gauge if you’re truly a shag meister. And making a session in the sack suck-free—even once in a while—will make you an infinitely better lover in your lovely’s eyes.
For the full story, read the May 2006 issue of FHM