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Halakhakan 2013: All The Funny Articles Are Here

ROTFLMFAO is the word of the day
by Gelo Gonzales | Apr 26, 2013
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It is said that men remember the women who made them cry, and women, the men who made them laugh. This says two things: Men are emo kids by nature, and that jokes, the benta ones at least, are worth its weight in gold.

Remember: You can be the richest datu around, but if your tongue’s as humorless as that kris on your waistband, you won’t get the girls. Well, actually, you still would, given that money is a powerful equalizer, and you’re a datu–dammit. Point is, it pays to be funny. And this month, we pay tribute to the awesomeness of laugh-out-loud moments with Halakhakan 2013, a collection of features on fun times, laugh trips, and such.
 


Babes With Cute Gag Faces
Ache-che! How do you know that you’ve reached the conclusion of a skit in a Pinoy gag show? Does Michael V. enter frame and explain to you that the skit has now ended, and that it would please him greatly if you stay tuned for the next one? That wouldn’t be very funny, now, would it? Instead, we have gag faces. The camera zooms in on the face, and the subject makes a face. Here are some of the cutest ones we’ve seen.  



Everything We Know About Being Funny, We Learned From The Movies
As the torrent generation knows, the most valuable lessons in life are learned mostly through movies. Romance dramas teach us to always watch out for the vultures waiting in the wings for our girlfriend to break up with us; suspense thrillers teach us to never wander alone in the woods; and comedies, as these iconic funny men would exemplify, show us that there is no one way to make other people laugh.



Exclusive (Imaginary) Interviews With Senyora Santibanez, Success Kid, and Other Memes
Famous personalities get interviewed all the time. So we thought: Why can’t Internet memes be interviewed as well? They’re famous, and they have personality. We did the proper thing to do, and put an imaginary mic to the mouths of our favorite memes namely Success Kid, Senyora Santibanez, Bad Luck Brian, Scumbag Steve, and I Have No Idea What I’m Doing Golden Retriever.



Pun-tastic Electronics: 8 Gadgets With Funny Names
Some gadgets have simple, catchy names. Witness: the iPod, iPhone, iPad, anything Apple actually. Some are more bad-ass: the Xbox 360 game console, the Nvidia GeForce GTX 260 Extreme Edition graphics card, or the Razr DeathAdder gaming mouse. And then there are a few that make us snicker. Witness: The MSI Wind U210. “Wind U-2-ten,” get it?! This and other equally unfortunate gadgets appear in this list of pun-tastically named thingamajigs! 



Tech Torture: 9 Outrageous Things Done To Gadgets
While some of us pamper our gadgets like a baby made of electronic circuitry, some buck that trend, and give gadgets the worst time of their sleek lives. Why? Because seeing an iPhone burn is prime entertainment for those of us who are still saving up for the darned device. See the torturous things done to gadgets here.



8 Pranks That Went Hella Wrong
We love pranks here in FHM HQ. Pulling off an awesome, clever one is a sure way to relieve the boredom we experience during the times when there are no models to shoot. Seeing a prank go wrong? That's even more fun. See some of the worst (and funniest) examples here. 



10 Patok Filipino Facebook Fan Pages
What is Facebook good for? For many men, it's an easy way to look at your crush 24/7. That's not all though. Pinoys are a creative lot, which has led to an explosion of Facebook pages that exist solely to take up otherwise useful space to promote a valid cause for something more trivial. And by trivial, we mean, senselessly hilarious. Check out the funniest of its kind in this list.  



Best Of April Fools: Hi-Tech Edition
Ah, April Fools. You'd think that by now we've all learned our lesson to not believe in any news or report that's dated April 1. These best tech-related April Fool's pranks prove that no, we're all still fair game for a good prankin'.



Master Debaters Jazhiel And Abby: Who You Got?
Jahziel And Abby are our new columnists on anything sex-related. These are two women who know their stuff, and they're not about to let the other be on top without a fight. Who's the better Master Debater? They duke it out in this video. No matter who comes out on top though, we all win watching these two FHM faves!


So You Found Yourself In A Teleserye
Teleseryes do not have a dearth of offbeat characters. But in between all the fantastical bato-swallowing superheroines, beautiful mermaids who only wish to be human, or the multitude of bakekangs we've seen are the characters that are far more normal. That is, if normal for you is being a wealthy queen bitch who makes life for everyone miserable. These here are five classic characters you find in Pinoy teleseryes. Which one fits you best?


We Would Love To Drink And Get Wasted With These Fictional Game Characters
Sometimes we take escapism to an extreme and imagine that video game characters are real and they can be our real life friends. When that happens we tend to imagine them in situations when we're at our most natural: at an inuman. Digital alcoholism at its finest everyone! Here's a list of non-real videogame faves whom we'd love to scream "shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot!" with!

Continue reading below ↓

Jessica Mendoza

0917-8361432

jessicacmendoza@yahoo.com

 

The Road to the Finals

 

And so it was that three months, one choking incident gone viral and two do-or-die games later, we find ourselves at the final leg of this tumultuous Commissioner’s Cup conference. Those still standing start battling it out Friday the 27th in two separate best of five series to determine who will go head-to-head in the Finals.

            But true to the theme of this conference, the semis promise to be dramatic. Top-seeded Alaska matches up against their former coach Tim Cone and the San Mig Coffee Mixers, against whom the Aces have lost all 8 games since Coach Tim left the Alaska Milk Corporation. Meanwhile Talk N’ Text busts out its veteran moves against a Ginebra San Miguel team gone vintage (by which I mean the Gin Kings have been pulling upsets that have fans frothing at the mouth in ecstasy—just like old times).

            So there’s potential for a lot of drama to go down, not to mention a lot of physical play. Yay! Because as much as I don’t want to see PJ Simon lose teeth again, there’s nothing like a hard foul caught on slow-mo to get the blood rushing in even the most flippant of fans.

            But before we start yelling at the refs, let’s take a closer look at the teams on hand.

(Disclaimer: I got art-happy. I found this crazy website that lets you customize Pokemon cards and I couldn’t help myself. I do not own the photos, symbols, and templates used. Please don’t sue me.)

 

 

 

 

Alaska Aces

If I had to pick three standout cards out of this deck—meaning the three people who are bound to make the difference for this team’s Finals bid—it would be:

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THE BEAST

Calvin Abueva

Double Voltage. When in the zone, he provides the energy and momentum of two people, making it easy for him to draw the foul.

Monster Points. He’s one of their top scorers, though I’d be lying if I said his shots are graceful or picturesque. But hey, ugly don’t mean ineffective.

Killer Swag. The fans love it. Opponents hate it. Abueva’s on-court arrogance gives presence to his team, as well as irritates opposing players (and fans) to distraction.

THE BULL-DOZIER

Robert Dozier

Steady Surge. As Mr. Consistent of the Commissioner’s Cup, he’s provided solid numbers on offense and a sturdy presence on defense. He’s also in great game shape and knows the Alaska system to a T.

Shadow Punch. Dangerous in the paint, Dozier gives up the flashy play in favor of a more basic move, making him more effective, harder to catch, and tougher to defend.

 

THE APPRENTICE

Luigi Trillo

Time Warp. Though only a year into his head coach stint with the team, he served as assistant to Tim Cone in Alaska for years. He knows and understands the players’ strengths and weaknesses.

Tall Revenge. The fact that he’s been unable to beat his mentor (ever!) gives him an extra surge of determination. If anyone has motivation to win it all, it’s Coach Luigi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

San Mig Coffee Mixers

The defending Commissioner’s Cup champions still have a ways to go to preserve their title. The most crucial pieces in this particular chess set are:

 

THE KING

James Yap

Million Moves. He’s been struggling lately, but that arsenal of his remains fully loaded. Should fortune have it that James overcomes his back pain, aching feet, and heavy heart to find that source of unparalleled athleticism that gave him his nickname (“Big Game”), woe be the team that gets in his way to the basket.

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THE ENERGIZER

Marc Pingris

Wreak Havoc. When Ping decides he wants to mess you up, he will mess. You. Up.

Take Down. Physical, strong, and damn near unstoppable, he’s been known to score face-to-face with and defend to the last second against the league’s best and biggest. And he’s going to look good while doing it, too.

 

THE MASTER

Tim Cone

Foresight. Having mentored his opponent, Coach Tim knows how Luigi Trillo thinks and is able to defend against most of the younger man’s moves. This version of the Jedi mind trick has so far been effective.

Sage Wisdom. Fourteen championships in 24 years. Who knows how many crucial games and must-win series he’s faced and overcome? The man knows what he’s doing because he’s been here before, and he will use that experience to his advantage.

 

Talk N’ Text Tropang Texters

This conference has them at their lowest end-of-eliminations ranking in recent memory. In their bid to get back to winning form, they’ll have to rely on:

 

RDO

Ranidel De Ocampo

Poison Shot. He’s one of the league’s most dangerous scoring big men. Whether it’s a layup, a fifteen-footer, a jumper from seventeen, or a three-pointer, de Ocampo’s got you covered.

Post Assault. Versatile as he is, RDO is at his best and most effective when going head to head near the basket.

 

THE BLUR

Jayson Castro

Lightning Strike. His fleet-footed first step is his best weapon. You see him coming, but you can’t stop him anyway.

Dynamite Three. Though not yet as clutch as captain Jimmy Alapag, Castro’s got a mean outside shot of his own when he decides not to slash to the basket.

 

THE STRATEGIST

Norman Black

Black Magic. A coach with a long winning history, Black has been known to develop teams into champions. Give him the right pieces, such as the ones he has with Talk N’ Text, and it’s hard to stop him from conjuring a championship.

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Lockdown. He’s a great advocate of the mantra “Defense wins championships.” When he decides the team needs to buckle down on D, it’s near impossible to get past them.

 

Ginebra San Miguel Gin Kings

The current underdog in terms of semis rankings, they beat Rain Or Shine in two nerve-wracking playoff games to be here. In this series, they’ll need every ounce of their “never-say-die” attitude from all their players, particularly:

MACK-TEN

Vernon Macklin and L.A. Tenorio

Bullet Pass. Arguably the most efficient import-PG tandem in the league, they work best off Tenorio’s speedy passes to the post.

Eruption. When Macklin has his hands on the ball and sees a path to the basket, he will dunk. The resulting crowd response is the decibel equivalent of an erupting volcano.

Double Kick. Having them both on the floor means two effective offensive options for the Gin Kings.

MANONG BRIGADE 2.0

Kerby Raymundo, JayJay Helterbrand and Rudy Hatfield

Resurgence. Raymundo to protect the rim, Helterbrand to provide the clutch points, and Hatfield to secure the rebound—if each of these guys draw out their old moves, the effect is devastating. Just ask Rain Or Shine.

 

THE ZEALOT

Alfrancis Chua

Outrage. His fiery passion, easy to spot on the sidelines where he yells loudly and gestures vehemently, spills over onto his players. He wants to win. Bad. The Gin Kings will need that surplus of heart to keep their campaign going.

Hair Whip. Does it matter what the move does? It’s awesome.

 

Now I personally don’t like making predictions because I hate to be wrong. But in this case I’m going to go out on a limb and say our Finals series will be a redux of San Mig Coffee versus Talk N’ Text. This is based not on preference, but on what I believe is the most likely scenario.

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            But I’m happy to let the teams decide for themselves. What say we sit back and enjoy the show? See you at the semis!

(30)

 

 

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