WORDS: Alex C. Paita
PHOTOGRAPHY: Krusty Galsim
KNOW YOUR GIRL
Dirty-talking can either elevate you to sharp-witted, smooth-tongued Casanova status or bury you deep in the pits of avoid-that-pervy hell, and that largely depends on how your lady pal is going to take it. Jocelyn Saurini, author of Talk Dirty to Me on www.mypleasure.com, says surveys state that women “tend to be more self-conscious when men praise their bodies or actions during sex.” So even before you begin your lessons on Bed Talk 101, do an extensive albeit discreet feasibility study on her. Start on day one by, say, cracking green jokes, and do a mental note of her initial reactions: Does she cackle, or does she slap your tummy and say, “Ewww! Ano ka ba!”? Either way, you’ll have to proceed with further tests—unless she cracks green jokes herself.
To make life easier for you, here’s a list of guide situations you can use for reference. Give yourself a point for each item checked. Refer to the score sheet below to see how far you can go.
- She allows you to read FHM.
- She reads FHM.
- She appreciates your naughty SMS messages.
- She watches R-18 films.
- She watches X-rated films
- She likes it nice and slow under the sheets.
- She’s tried handcuffs on you.
5-7: Maximum level of raunchiness allowed!
1-4: Start with subtle hints, use gentle words. Eventually, she’ll be used to it.
0: Forget about it.
BUILD YOUR DIRT-TIONARY™
After the target has been identified, you now need to load up your bullets on your soon-to-be raunchy armalite mouth. For a good dose of firestarter, visit a bookstore and get hold of some erotica. What for? Well, first, for you to read aloud, alone—to derive a number of raunchy words and phrases from. Spend the first four days of this week familiarizing yourself with common terms used in kinky practices. Then, second, for the remaining days—unless you think she isn’t ready yet—start reading them to her. “There's nothing safer to start with than using somebody else's words,” says Saurini. “If you're not ready to tell your partner your fantasies yourself, invest in an erotic book and try reading your lover a story at bedtime.” Don’t forget to tame any word that you think is too wild for her. And if your p-f deficiencies make you feel uncomfortable speaking in a foreign dialect—or if you’re a true lover of our national language—you can trust our handy local tabloids’ sex columns to serve as your love bible. We at FHM agree this will make you sound more natural.
For the full story, read the May 2006 issue of FHM