The world over, death row inmates are given a choice on what their last meal will be. A sort of pampalubag-loob, we suppose, but we think that only proves how vital to humanity food is.
Why this morbid thought about capital punishment? Well, with the world about to snuff itself out, it’s pretty obvious that, for the world over, we are all on death row.
So what’s on the menu for your last date with dinner? You don’t even have to ask us what’s on ours—we mean to die as we have lived: virile, strong, and with a veeeery satisfied woman by our side. Here’s a list of what will sustain us for the very last time (although “the last time” could mean “many times,” cue cheeky wink). But since some studies have debunked the concept of aphrodisiacs, it appears we will have to rely on our inherent woman-pleasing skills. We see no problem with that.
The romance of chocolate is well-documented: the molten, melted good stuff is slathered on strawberries (or bodies), nicely-wrapped boxes of them are classic ligaw tools, and there’s just something about a woman with chocolate on her lip that we just want to lick off.
Science says: Sorry, but chocolate does nothing to make manoy stiff as a pole. Its popularity is due to its large amounts of anadamine and phenylethylamine, which are chemicals that produce the warm fuzzies, says the Men's Health Nutrition Guide. Al Pacino called it right in The Devil’s Advocate: Love really isn’t any different from eating chocolate. While it might not help you in the sack, it will help you get in the mood for some lovin’, because of the identical emotions your body produces when in love. Plus, the methylxanthines in cocoa make skin more sensitive to touch—making your kalabit more welcome.
DIY prep: Don’t melt chocolate directly over heat—it will burn and curdle quite disgustingly. A microwave set at 20-30 second increments is better. Fruits that go well with it: strawberries, apples, and your banana—er, bananas. Also, stick to dark chocolate, which has more cocoa content than regular chocolate.
Being Johnny Depp obviously has its perks
Next on the list is the oft-touted oyster—the most obvious of aphrodisiacs, thanks mostly to its unique shape: an exquisite lady-part.
Science says: Oysters are high in zinc, which is said to be essential in sperm production—but it does nothing to keep the equipment working, so to speak. We suppose its power of suggestion (try slurping one up all macho in front of her) should do the trick.
DIY prep: Oysters are best fresh. One way to check is to boil them. If they stay closed, chuck them out. Drizzle the good ones with a squeeze of lemon and slurp away.
3) SPANISH FLY
Spanish Fly is a favorite item in sex shops—but it probably isn’t the real crushed-up beetle with the same name, and you should be grateful. The original became famous because of the hot, burning sensation it produced in your down-theres.
Science says: What produces a hot, swelling sensation in the nether regions is (the very toxic) cantharidin inherent in this bug.
DIY prep: Don’t die (yet). If you want a hot, swelling sensation down there, tell your woman to spank your monkey for you. Much, much less toxic.
"You have nothing to worry about; my condition isn't contagious at all."
NEXT: Get high on asparagus