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Jan 28, 2013
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Terror embraced hearts of mall-goers, Saturday night at Megamall, when gunshots from a jewelry store heist were fired. To which, we reacted: What is up, Philippines? The rising frequency of gun-related incidents has been alarming, and someone needs to do something about it. We’d raise our placards up, but unfortunately, we’ve been held hostage by YouTube again.

Specifically, these videos below:

1) The Kate Upton Carwash

Based on the title, you’d think that you’re about to smoke the sexiest YouTube joint ever.

One, it involves American Bombshell-of-the-Moment Kate Upton. Two, it involves American Bombshell-of-the-moment Kate Upton about to get herself wet in a carwash in slow motion. Perfect formula? Theoretically, yes. Yet somehow, the video blows it. We still viewed it a number of times, but mostly because of this lingering question in our head: “Why isn’t this Kate Upton Carwash video not turning me on as much as I expected?” Afterwards, we clicked on Upton’s award-worthy "Cat Daddy" video to feel better:

Filed under: Why hello there, Kate Upton

2) Time now to listen to some Chicken Techno

Your enjoyment of the video above is predicated on two things: how much you love chickens and how much you love techno. If you love chickens, but not techno, just mute the video, and bob your head along to the bobbing poultry heads. If you love techno, but hate chickens, then might we suggest a trip to the nearest KFC to fix that? If your humor is as sick as ours, do grab a bucket, and plop down on the sofa to watch the video while you stuff your mouth with an unhealthy dose of finger-licking goodness.

Filed under: The Weird Part of YouTube

3) Child of the '90s

The rousing music will have you crying in tears, and so too will the vid’s collection of stuff we thought were cool in the '90s. Namely: shoes that light up, POGS, Tamagochi, trolls we actually liked, yo-yos, and air-pump-equipped Reebok’s. And then Internet Explorer shows up (we only realized it was an ad for the browser at the end, so enthralled were we), which promptly elicited this decidedly child-from-the-2010’s expression from us: Meh! Sorry Microsoft, taking advantage of our nostalgic feelings isn’t enough if you’re going to win us back from Mozilla and Chrome.

Filed under: Cool ad, Microsoft

NEXT: YOLO is finally a song!