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Johnny Litton—March 2002

<p>The witty TV host on social climbers, his ideal political candidate, and the Books of Solomon</p>
| Sep 5, 2001
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I was going to ask you about your typical day, but you’ve already showed me your calendar.
A typical day is 14 hours for me, Saturdays and Sundays included. But I make it a point to have Saturday lunch or Sunday dinner with my family. [firstpara] It’s a must. I want to see my children. I want to see their wives. When I say wives, that doesn’t mean my sons have many wives. I mean daughters-in-law. I have no daughters. 

Have you ever thought of adopting one?
I am willing to adopt one, but my wife objects because the one I wanted was 19 years old and well-built. I told her, “Look darling, I’m doing this for you, I’m not doing this for me!

She’s so lovely, so good. You don’t have to wake up every two hours to breastfeed. You don’t have to change her diapers. On top of that, she wants to sleep beside dad!” My wife got mad.

You find politics funny. Aren’t you afraid of angering politicians with your verbal jabs?
No. Democracy entitles you to say what you mean. I find a lot of people in government very funny. One of my little hobbies before was collecting clippings of political statements. Miriam’s (Defensor-Santiago), Manuel Morato’s.

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It’s a wonderful thing to collect what people have said before, and what they say after. They contradict themselves. But it’s also very sad because it shows lack of conviction, lack of values.

You’re famous for your green jokes...

Excuse me, but my jokes have always been clean. It’s the minds of my audience that are green. Sex is a universal theme. Properly handled, it can be very funny.

Like, I find it very funny if related to certain projections of people in government. When people were saying that we were a democracy, it was at the height of censorship. So it’s like a woman telling me she’s a virgin when she’s actually three months pregnant. 

If you were President, would things be a little different?
I’d insist that every government official should live the way his constituents live. If he drives around in a Ford, I’d decree that all his constituents drive in one as well.

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And the other one I’d insist on is a higher standard of education. Because that way, the people will not be easily fooled. The level of education here worries me. We’re now behind Bangladesh. It’s frightening.

What do you find immoral?

We have taxes that in my opinion are highly illegal and immoral, and certainly smacks of martial law. Travel tax for one. What is travel? Freedom of movement. So you’re taxing a freedom.

Photo by: Rene Mejia

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