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Flatulence 101

<p>A food guide for a smell-free and sound-free farts</p>
| Sep 16, 2009
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Dyords Javier
couldn't have said it better: "Fart is created by God for it to have a smell...If you’re just expelling clean air, that’s in the lowest category of the human chain…You’re missing out on the great purpose of farting.”[firstpara]
That should do two things: a) Calm you down the next time you get a whiff of somebody’s innards and b) comfort you the next time you decide to drop your own f-bomb.

But what do you do when flatulence strikes you in while you're with folks you need to impress (aka your boss) and/or people you want to be intimate and familiar with (the girl you’re currently wooing, for instance)?

Well, one option is to hold it in. It’s not harmful to your body should you decide to do that.

If it can’t be held—oh no not sir—two things to keep in mind: the smell and the sound. To control the stink, keep away from the following: meat, eggs, cauliflower, broccoli, garlic, onion, radish, among others. These are rich in sulfur, the culprit of the stinkage.

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A fart's sound, meanwhile come from the fact that farts need to squeeze through the butt cheeks. Hence, the natural disorder and vibration—and the consequential sound—of things. Now, think about it: The bigger the stink bomb, the harder it’ll be for the fart to pass through the valley of your anus.

The solution? Stop creating big ones. How do you do that? Avoid beer and carbonated drinks, as these most definitely help in production of gas. Pass up on food items that you know are difficult to digest, like milk, cabbage, and those rich in fiber. Top of the pops? Why beans, of course.

Follow these simple and hopefully helpful suggestions so that when the big stinkbomb strikes, you can let one out without anybody knowing. We must warn you though, genetics, as always is the big disclaimer—sorry, we can't help you with that, buddy.

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PHOTO FROM: I LOVE YOU, MAN (2009, Dreamworks Pictures)

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