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6 Movie Cowboys and Aliens Go Head-to-Head

Not the best time to bet on the underdog
by Gelo Gonzales | Aug 11, 2011
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Call it a grave mismatch, but an epic clash between 6-shooters, horses, and cowboy hats and laser guns, UFOs and spacesuits is exactly what's going to happen in Cowboys & Aliens. Directed by Jon Favreau (Iron Man), the film locks its sights on a mysterious cowboy played by Daniel Craig who awakens in the middle of the Arizona West minus any knowledge of who he is.

He does wake up, however, with a shiny, new space-age bracelet attached to his arm, which just might be the key to his identity dilemma. More importantly, it just might provide the town's sheriff with answers as to why a whole freaking fleet of pissed extraterrestrials are ganging up on them.

Of course, we have to catch the movie to know what chance cowboys have against aliens and their death beams. In the meantime, here we'll show you who we think we'll win in the match-ups between classic movie cowboys and aliens.

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Round 1:  Bill Munny Vs.  Predator

Bill Munny
Played By:
Clint Eastwood
Retired outlaw and geriatric gunslinger whose sharpshooting abilities are matched by a perma-scowl.

Movie: Predator
Creator: Stan Winston

Dreadlocked extraterrestrial with a live crab for a mouth. Armed with heat-seeking radar and technologically advanced wrist gauntlet.

The Verdict
Unless Clint Eastwood's rogue cowboy has some cold mud to rub all over his body before engaging in battle, Predator is bound to blow his earth-dwelling head off.

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Round 2: Jack Twist Vs. The Thing

Jack Twist
Movie: Brokeback Mountain
Played by: Jake Gylenhaal

Sexually frustrated cattle herder who does more than just camping when up in the mountains. Gave new meaning to the term "wood burning."

The Thing
Movie: The Thing
Creator: John Carpenter

Mysterious parasitic creature from another galaxy that is able to imitate other organisms and munch unsuspecting prey.

The Verdict

John Carpenter's creature of unknown origin will simply assimilate itself into the form of a brooding Heath Ledger and eat the, ehem, hell out of Jack Twist. WINNER: Alien

Round 3: The Magnificent Seven Vs. Alien Army

The Magnificent Seven
Movie: The Magnificent Seven
Played by: Steve Mcqueen, Charles Bronson, etc.

Vigilantes with a penchant for defending oppressed Mexican villages from thieving outsiders.

Alien Army
Movie: Aliens
Creator: H.R. Giger

Penis-heads with acid for blood, an extra mini-snapper inside their mouths and a severe case of ugly.

The Verdict
Steve Mcqueen might be the bad boy of the West but there's no doubt the Alien Army will easily eradicate his entourage. The aliens win by a landslide. The human race is doomed!

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And there you have it folks. Unless the alien we're dealing with is E.T. and the cowboys we're talking about are M.I.B. agents, humans are pretty much on the losing, eviscerated, vaporized end every time. 

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