The 2017 Oscars are almost upon us, and while we're eager to see how Jimmy Kimmel could very well bomb as the host, we're also steeling ourselves for La La Land's likely sweep of the major awards. Not that we feel it's a bad movie, but we strongly believe that other movies deserve recognition, not just for great acting, a fantastic script or gorgeous cinematography, but for the many other reasons we enjoy movies.
So, in true FHM fashion, we've come up with this list of winners we think should be lauded this Monday morning, Philippine time. These seven categories are all made up but represent what we really think about whenever we go to the movies.
1) Raunchiest Sex Scene in a Motion Picture
Let's jump right into what is best in life (no, not that line from Conan the Barbarian). We mean sex. If it weren't for sex, we'd have no motion pictures. Because how do you think humans who make movies are made? That's right, sex. Our nominees include a kinky after-dinner public display, Morena Baccarin showing what she did as a “companion” in Firefly, and an animated romp through an adolescent's unchecked imagination.
WINNER: “Supermarket Orgy” - Sausage Party
In what is likely the closest thing American producers can come to a tentacular hentai, the finale of director Greg Tiernan's animated must-see is bawdy, creative, depraved, inspiring, politically incorrect and disturbing all at the same time. You'll never look at a hotdog bun, taco or bagel the same way again.
“Wade and Vanessa Montage” - Deadpool
“Elevator Feel-up” - 50 Shades Darker
2) Snappiest Line Delivery in a Motion Picture
A great script drives a story forward. It establishes character and motivation, creates tension or lets it loose, like an anonymous fart in a movie theater. Sometimes the best lines in a script come in the form of an inspirational speech. We prefer the one-line zingers that we can inflict on our friends. Nominees include two actors from the eminently witty Dirty Grandpa, an antihero known for his gift of gab, and that guy from the rap group N.W.A. who made it far, far outta Compton.
WINNER: Robert de Niro, Dirty Grandpa
This Dan Mazer comedy further cements Robert de Niro as one of the best actors in three generations, or is it four? How old is that geezer anyway? His acting range is brought to full bear as the titular dirty grandpa Dick Kelly, off on a road trip with his grandson, played by the actor Zac Efron. With lines like, “I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon,” and “You're gonna flood like the Nile,” de Niro almost makes us forgive him for being an anti-vaxxer.
Aubrey Plaza, Dirty Grandpa
Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool
Ice Cube, Fist Fight
3) Best Cast for a Bad Film
When studios are wary about the projected performance of a movie in the box office, they sometimes do a bit of stunt casting, adding big name actors or celebrities to the cast in order to cash in on the name recognition and fan base of their hires. Think Alec Guinness in Star Wars or David Bowie in Labyrinth. In both these cases, they work. In many others, though, no amount of star power makes up for a bad story. Our nominees include a video game movie, the third part in a Garry Marshall's crappy holiday trilogy, and a cameo-whore comedy sequel.
WINNER: Assassin's Creed
With a cast that included Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, and Jeremy Irons, you'd think this adaptation stood a chance of breaking the video game movie curse, but no. All the acting talent in the world stands useless against an awful story and a ridiculous script. Forget the movie, we'd rather wait for the next installment of the game from Ubisoft.
4) Best Zombie Film Adaptation
Zombies first came out in movies in 1929, in the Haitian voodoo movie The Magic Island. Since then, they've been portrayed in many different ways, slow moving-indiscriminate undead, scary fast runners, hordes that move as waves, intelligent Nazi Zombies, zombies who learn to love, and everything in between. Our nominees for this category include: a zombie period movie, a lousy Stephen King adaptation, and a movie where Gemma Arterton finally succeeds in looking dowdy.
WINNER: The Girl with All the Gifts
This film breaks trope by giving rise to zombie-human hybrids, children who were born of infected parents. The movie's young star Sennia Nanua is utterly convincing in her horrifying transformation from what seems to be a normal little girl into a blood-addicted monster. Making these hybrids all children adds significantly to the creep factor.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
5) Most Egregious Product Placement in a Motion Picture
Movies make for the perfect metaphor for people: you've got a few winners but a whole bunch of losers. To mitigate possible losses, producers have turned to product placement to ensure that they spend someone else's money in making a movie. Some are subtle, most are not. Our nominees for this category include Captain America's very patriotic mobile phone, a luxury motorcycle brand, and a popular pizza place.
WINNER: BMW Motorrad, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Never mind that the world has gone to shit, society has crumbled, and all that remains of humanity are a few stragglers fighting to survive. Milla Jovovich's Alice manages to score a purty BMW S 1000 XR, the brand's first adventure sports bike, complete with Umbrella Corporation branding. Did the German company somehow manage to continue operations despite the Global T-virus Pandemic reducing the worldwide population to only 4,000? We say BMW is in cahoots with the Umbrella Corporation.
Papa John's, Ghostbusters
Vivo, Captain America: Civil War
6) Best Nature-Gone-Wrong Film
The Oscars have the best documentary, but our category is far more exciting. You don't mess with Mother Nature because she will eff you the eff up. We've left out the made-for-TV fare in our nominees, because try as Syfy might, Sharknado just isn't real. Our nominees for this category are, on the other hand, utterly real. Not fantastic at all. Nope. There's that shark flick where Blake Lively shows off her abs for almost the entire movie, the very true story of a rabbit cop and slick-talking fox, and a goddamn Godzilla flick.
WINNER: The Shallows
The heir apparent to Steven Spielberg's Jaws. This movie first makes you fall in love with the perfect waves of a secluded cove, only to turn on you by transforming the “Shallows” into a veritable bloodbath. The movie hits on several different fears, hydrophobia (the fear of water), agoraphobia (the fear of open spaces), monophobia (the fear of being alone), gymnophobia (fear of losing your bikini, sorta), and galeophobia, the extreme fear of sharks! Shin Godzilla was a close second, but it loses because the real monster in that movie was bureaucratic red tape.
7) Most Toxic Relationship in a Movie
A good love story captures the whirlwind thrill of passion and romance. It plays just the right notes on your heartstrings and lets you leave the theater feeling like you could meet the perfect guy or girl through a serendipitous confluence of random events. However, relationships are never that cut and dried. They are inherently messy, complicated and fragile, qualities that filmmakers often mine for moolah. This year's nominees include a sci-fi stalker flick, a romcom that stereotypes persons with disabilities, and a relationship that's just literally plastic.
WINNER: “Jim and Aurora,” Passengers
If there's a movie that did not deserve a happy ending, it's this wonderfully shot, yet morally skewed outer space drama. Creepy stalkers, even those who look like Chris Pratt, do not deserve to get the girl in the end, which is—SPOILER ALERT—exactly what happens. Never mind that that his character Jim was selfish, manipulative, dishonest and ultimately caused the death of Aurora, he gets a free pass because he plans really wonderful space dates and plays the hero to save the ship.
“Will and Louisa,” Me Before You
“Batman and The Joker,” The LEGO Batman Movie