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FHM's Anti-Valentine’s Day Movie Marathon Watch-List
Fight the impending sap with these certified heart-crushers
by Chiara Cui | Feb 10, 2018
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Whether you’re coupled up or single, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, there’s one thing many of us can agree on: it’s a scam invented by corporations to sell shit none of us need.

Take a breather from the cloying romanticism of this non-holiday with these anti-Valentine’s Day films.


Antichrist

Directed by renowned Danish filmmaker Lars Von Trier and starring Willem Defoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg, Antichrist is one of the most fucked-up films of the 21st century. After tragedy befalls them, a grieving couple retreats to a cabin in the woods in an effort to repair both their relationship and their broken hearts. What follows is a cinematic assault you’ll have trouble trying to forget.

War of the Roses

After being married for 17 years, Barbara and Oliver Rose want to split up. Except the trouble is, neither of them want to give up the house. So begins their bitter divorce battle that lasts throughout the entire film and culminates in a scene that’s both terrifying and heartbreakingly hilarious. It’s a testament to the notion that familiarity does indeed breed contempt.

Blue Valentine

On the surface, Blue Valentine seems like it could be a cute indie film about two hipsters getting together and finding true love. Unfortunately, things don’t quite shake out that way for Dean and Cindy, resulting in one of the most depressing films of the last decade.

Revolutionary Road

If you thought Leo and Kate’s second film together would be the same syrupy love-fest Titanic was, you will be sorely disappointed. Set in the ‘50s, Revolutionary Road is a gut-punch to anyone who’s ever dreamed of a better life, but didn’t have the guts to go chase make it happen

Fatal Attraction

If you were ever tempted to cheat on your significant other, just picture Glenn Close’s turn as Michael Douglas’s casual fling turned homicidal maniac in Fatal Attraction.

Kramer vs Kramer

When it comes to contentious divorce proceedings, we like to defer to the belief that there are no happy marriages that end in divorce.

The Lobster

In a dystopian future where match-making services have evolved into a pair-up-or-become-an-animal kind of scenario, The Lobster puts a decidedly sobering spin on finding a mate, one that even Rachel Weisz can make look appealing.

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Shame

Most people treat sex addiction like the punch line of a joke, and the word ‘nympho’ is often thrown around like childish retort. In Shame, director Steve McQueen gives a face to the term and humanizes it to the point that it’s hard to watch. In a movie where there’s so much sex on screen, this will leave you with a libido that’s shriveled up.  

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Lolita

Because there’s nothing creepier than watching a 40 year old man creep on a 14-year-old on Valentine’s Day.

Death Becomes Her

One of the quickest ways to kill a friendship is to fight over the same person. In Death Becomes Her, it takes a lot more than one man to kill what Madeleine and Helen eventually become.

Fear

Don’t be fooled by his Calvin Klein underwear, in Fear, 90s-era Marky Mark makes Reese Witherspoon rue the day she succumbed to his boyish charm.

 

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