"Kuya, wala bang pating dito?!" is a question that's been asked of boatmen many times by paranoid beachgoers here in the Philippines. Fortunately, we haven't heard of any shark attacks in famous tourist spots like Boracay or Palawan but we do know that there are whale sharks in Donsol, Sorsogon. However, a quick Google search will also tell you that "Malapascua Island in the Philippines is the only place in the world where you can reliably see the very rare thresher shark." So if you're tired of catching Pokemons and you'd rather see an animal who has been known to kill prey with its long sharp tail, then Malapascua is the place to go.
Blake Lively (who most of you probably know as the wife of none other than Mr. Deadpool Ryan Reynolds himself) stars in The Shallows, the latest movie to scare us out of the water and the perfect excuse to see her in a bikini for close to two hours. If you've already seen its trailer, you'll know that it's about a woman who goes surfing on a beautiful and deserted beach somewhere in Mexico only to get viciously attacked by a shark that is bigger than a Toyota Fortuner. She swims to a rock that stands in the middle of the ocean for safety but now she's stuck there with no help in sight.
The movie is what you get when you combine the terror of Jaws with the desperation of 127 Hours. You'll probably remember 127 Hours as that movie where James Franco's arm is stuck under a rock and he has to cut off his arm to stay alive. If you haven't seen it, it's a perfect movie to watch with the whole family especially over a dinner of dinuguan. The Shallows is similar to 127 Hours only instead of being trapped under a rock, she's stuck on top of it, and there's a hungry shark circling around her. (Kung tingin mo mabigat na mga problema mo sa buhay, it's always great to watch movies like this for perspective.)
I won't tell you how the movie ends, that's an experience I leave for the audience to discover. But I will provide you with other possible endings for the movie that may or may not have happened.
Ending #1: Blake Lively Gets Eaten by the Shark and Dies
Okay, that's pretty grim but If you really want to make a realistic movie about a shark attack then Blake Lively should definitely die, right? Did you even read my description of the plot? "Blake Lively!" "Nasa gitna ng dagat!" "Duguan!" "Iniikutan ng pating na mas malaki pa sa sasakyan!" How do you survive that ordeal in the real world?! You can't and you won't. It makes for a depressing movie, sure. But how many times have you seen a movie where the monster in question actually wins?
Ending #2: Blake Lively Somehow Kills the Shark and Lives.
You're in the middle of the ocean with no weapons on you, just a half-eaten surfboard, and a bird that's as badly injured as you are to keep you company. How do you kill that damn shark? Well, you improvise. You either fashion a weapon out of that half-eaten surfboard and stab the shark in the eye with it or you make an improvised knife out of that badly injured bird's bones after you've eaten it raw out of desperation. Sorry but I really don't know how you'd kill a shark in that situation since it's never happened to me before.
Ending #3: Blake Lively Gets Rescued by...David Hasselhoff
Just when everything seems so bleak and Blake is dying from thirst and hunger, she sees salvation on the beach. An image that she can't wrap her head around but is undeniably glorious.
Hearing that theme song alone is enough for anyone to hold on to life. What is David Hasselhoff doing there, you ask? I don't know and it doesn't matter. He could be on vacation in Mexico for all we care. If anyone can beat a shark into submission, it's the Hoff and his glistening chest hair.
Ending #4: Blake Lively Gets Rescued by...that dude from Life of Pi
Blake is parched and delirious and her tear ducts are already empty from dehydration. Just when she thought that no rescue will ever come, she sees a silhouette of a boat approaching her and a man standing tall looking at her with concern. But wait, what's that sitting beside him? Is that a...tiger?! What the hell is a freaking tiger doing in the middle of the ocean?! Now she has an even bigger conundrum. Does she take her chances with a tiger that's also hungry after many days at sea or does she stay on the boat and wait for someone else to come save her? Is Tom Hanks and his volleyball coming this way anytime soon?
Ending #5: Blake Lively Gets Rescued by...President Digong on a Jet ski
Just when she's about to draw her last breath, she hears the rumbling sound of an engine. Blake squints to see the figure of a man fast approaching her on a jet ski with an M16 in tow. It's President Digong fresh from his flag-planting trip to the West Philippine Sea! He shoots the shark dead with his M16 and says, "My gahd! I. Hate. Sharks." What brings him to the beaches of Mexico? He's chasing down a drug cartel that went into hiding in Acapulco! Stop asking too many questions and just go with it!
How do you think The Shallows should end? Should Blake live or should the shark win this time? Should David Hasselhoff save her or should it be President Digong on a jet ski? Let us know what you think!
Rey de la Cruz Jr. likes talking about films as much as he likes watching them. He runs www.reyview.org, a site that provides Filipino moviegoers with reviews written in a voice that is uniquely Pinoy.