G.I. Joe Retaliation, the follow up to 2009's Rise Of The Cobra, officially marks the start of the summer blockbuster season and the trademark explosions, big guns, curvy babes, and slow-mo ninja action we've come to expect from the genre.
In this sequel, the Joes, legendary operatives peerless in their military expertise, are framed for a crime, and are thus (violently) disassembled by the very government that formed them. Heavy shit, yes, but that’s not really why you should be trooping to the theater near you to catch this one.
It’s the action, baby!
Also, there’s the urge to fill your curiosity over how the super soldiers of our youth have been adapted to the silver screen. Is Roadblock still ruggedly cool? How sinister is their version of Cobra Commander? And how much cleavage from its female Joes could we expect? Scroll down below for a totally (un)scientific, purely on-fanboy-mode analysis of the G.I. Joes, then and now.
Then: One of the most diabolical figures of the ’80s. Hell-bent on putting the whole world under the rule of his terror organization, Cobra Command. Has a ratty voice as if some invisible hand were pinching his throat the entire time. To this day, it remains to be seen how he is able to see from behind the cover of his trademark slit-less silver mask. Blue-and-red jumpsuit plus black boots and gloves show he’s intent on looking good while taking over the world. Was also once the manager of an ’80s hair-metal band called “Cold Slither,” which was presumably part of a devious plan to take over the world…with awesome riffs and screaming choruses!
Now: Still diabolical. Still with a ratty voice. But now with a more evil yet super smart plan to conquer the world. Will he succeed? We’re guessing you know the answer to that already. Oh, thankfully he’s just evil in this one, so don’t expect him to do any kind of choreography…
General Joe Colton
Then: The original G.I. Joe. Seriously, the whole operation started with this dude who’s rumored to be a far cousin to the Spiderman-hating J.Jonah Jameson. Colton’s a highly-decorated officer who operated in the darkest of shadows, entrusted with the government’s ultra-top-secret missions. Later, he would be tasked by the president himself to assemble the Joe’s. So secretive was he that he didn’t even appear in the animated series!
Now: He’s played by Bruce “yippee-ka-yaya” Willis! Gen. Joe comes into the picture about halfway into the action but let’s just say he’ll have plenty of moments (and wisecracks). Expect classic Willis.
Then: A born leader whose loyalty is reserved solely for flag and country…and a smile, a chiseled jaw line, and beefy arms reserved presumably for the ladies who do not mind being commanded around by the naturally assertive field general. Infinitely courageous, he’s calm and collected even as a huge explosion happens in the background.
Now: He’s still all that…except he _____ on this one. Because we’re no spoiling wusses, we leave it to you to guess for what happens to him in the movie.
NEXT: Firefly and the live-action cleavages of Lady Jaye and Jinx!