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HOLY CRAP: Mystica Has A Seven-Hour Movie On YouTube!

The Queen Of Splits returns to give us this year's funniest (for all the wrong reasons) movie filled with Kung-Fu, superimposed macho dancing, quirky names, and more inanities!
by Gelo Gonzales | May 28, 2014
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Remember Mystica? That sexy (?) performer from the past decade who was infamous for her split-ing skills and for her rivalry with Madame Auring?

Yeah, that one.

Well, while you were sleeping, she went ahead and produced, wrote, directed, musically scored, edited, and starred in her own movie, Querido, and released it on YouTube.

The film is seven hours long, with the synopsis alone—found on the trailer's YouTube page—taking two hours to read. Check it out:

"Mystica's somewhat true-to-life (but some scenes are based on fiction only) love story about a holistic, multi-awarded showbiz personality who can't resist to fall in love...and a young, handsome and sexy aspiring artist...A secret love affair that has been revealed...A friends' betrayal that had caused a huge controversy and a big scandal in public...A family and career that had been subjected to judgement and critics...A Mystica's documentary, commercial, educational, dramatic and emotional, spiritual, environmental, experimental, intellectual, musical, cinematic, unique and extra-ordinary, liberal, controversial, sensual and erotic quality indie film full of love, hopes and dreams, courage, delight and desire, conviction, motivation, pride and determination, charity and generosity, humility, moral lessons and values, romance and passion, creativity and adventure, energy, sense of humor, relaxation, fun and excitement, drama, comedy, entertainment, opportunity, evolution, success, great experience and life's journey, frustrations, heartache and pain, humiliation, intimidation, irritation, manipulation, competition, failure, power and control, lies, negligence and betrayal, self-destruction, revelation, chase, hunt, violence, sexuality, brutality, revolutionary, suspense thriller, mind-bending twists, shocks and surprises with mind-blowing actions, and infatuation that ended into a serious and harmonic marriage."

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If you're up for it, click here for the first hour of this modern epic THAT HAS EVERYTHING!

If you have a little less time, join us as we sit through the proportionately long 15-minute trailer as we pick out the best bits, so that you won't have to.

1) The most epic opening shot of a man playing Solitaire on his PC while the sound of thunder booms in the background


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2) Thought-provoking headlines

3) It has "Romance"


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For everyone who ever wondered, "What if Mystica had a sex scandal?" here's your answer.

4) A macho dancer squirming in the background as the cast is introduced


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5) Cast members with names probably made from some random Internet name generator. Nine Inch Nail's "I Wanna Fuck You Like An Animal" plays in the background as all these happen


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NEXT: Those aren't the best names in the movie though

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