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Pinoy Action Movies: 9 Things Goons Shouldn't Do to Survive

The baddie survival guide
by Gelo Gonzales | Aug 18, 2011
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By the time Fernando Poe Jr. bit the dust a couple years ago, the truth was no one was making traditional Pinoy action movies anymore.[firstpara] And his death, pushing all political issues aside then, was the final nail on the coffin on those kinds of movies.

                                                         Above: the nightmare of every movie goon

But his movies and those of other action stars, their shared fondness for shooting down entire armies still remain relevant today. At least in drunken conversations when we’d all make fun of just how ridiculous the exploits of these action movie stars were.

For the bad guys in those movies, it was also ridiculous as it was awful. They had as much chance of killing the hero as an ant trying to lift the foot of a person trying to crush it. So in other words: Forget about applying for a job like this.

But should you become one of those goons, here are the ten things that you shouldn’t do to make your life as a goon less difficult.

1) Should you receive an instruction for a drive-by on the hero’s residence, avoid killing the hero’s wife and kids.
Under most circumstances, you’re only doing the drive-by to scare off and threaten the good guy so that he’ll stop investigating your syndicate’s illicit operations. If ever you kill his loved ones, well then buddy, you’re in for it. He’ll go bad cop on you, will put the law in his hands, and massacre your entire gang. Paquito Diaz or Subas Herrero, included.

2) Don’t start a fight in a beerhouse
You’re chilling with your goon-mates, kicking back with a couple bottles along with a lady friend to accompany you. This beerhouse is your gang’s turf, so you feel like no one can touch you here. But, just as when you and your mates are laughing hard about that time you forgot to tie your kidnapped victim tight enough and thus, almost escaped, you see another goon alone in another table looking you. The moment that happens, look away, and fast. Don’t say something like “Anong tinitingin tingin mo diyan?!” Because then he’ll pull a .45 on you and kill all of you. That dude aims even better in the dark confines of the beerhouse.
 
3) Hide and never come out
In the extremely rare case that you avoid the hero’s first volley of shots, and manage to find a good hiding spot, don’t ever come out again. The movie gods don’t smile too often on thugs like you, so don’t test your luck; try to get a shot in and be a hero (because really you’re not). You can be sure that the next time you pop your head out, the next bullet you encounter is going straight to your noggin. Better to just wait for all the shooting to die down, and wait to get arrested by the cops, no matter how long that takes.

4) Remember that the hero never runs out of bullets
Speaking of bullets, you’d best keep in mind that the hero is a cheap player; he always has that unlimited ammo cheat on. Sometimes, you’ll see him reload, but that’s only to make it not seem too obvious that he’s already killed like 50 of your buddies with a clip that only holds 30 bullets.

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WORDS BY: GELO GONZALES
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