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5 Reasons Why Fantastic Four Sucks

'To say that the this reboot, which featured a stellar young cast, under-delivered would be an understatement.'
by Anton D. Umali | Aug 14, 2015
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It’s hard to have a movie with the adjective "fantastic" in the title when the end product is anything but. To say that the Fantastic Four reboot, which featured a stellar young cast in the form of Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, and Jamie Bell, under-delivered would be an understatement.

The movie was already muddled with controversies regarding production difficulties prior to the film even being released. The director was a douche. The stars were unhappy with the result. The studio was, all in all, dissatisfied. Its critical and commercial performance were such a disappointment that people in Hollywood are probably going to remember this comic book adaptation for all the wrong reasons.

Listed below are some explanations why Fantastic Bore…erm…Fantastic Four sucked like salty balls.

WARNING: Possible spoilers ahead!

1)   For such a fantastic team of superheroes, there was no chemistry.

The rapport between each character was strained. Watching them throw lines at each other was so awkward that you feel like they somehow knew they were making a bad movie to begin with. Well, if that really was the case, they were right.

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That’s the sound of this franchise crumbling to pieces...

2)   Uhm, did anyone notice that this movie is missing a second act?

The introduction of the characters took so long to draw out. By the time they actually teleport to the dimension that gives them their powers, the audience no longer gives a fantastic fuck. So much so that, by the time any sort of climax occurs, the end credits suddenly start rolling and the movie is over.

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What? That’s it. We want our money (not to mention the two wasted hours of our lives) back please!

Save your breath, Johnny...

3)   The CG did not help.

Comic book flicks are supposed to be super cool, visually stimulating, and an assault on the senses. For this movie, however, when the team teleports to another dimension, it’s like they transported back to 2002, when CG was you know, just meh.

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...and Invisible girl is not happy about it

4)   Dr. Doom was kind of a joke.

After the villain is finally revealed, he starts blowing up random heads on cue. Dr. Doom has such great power, you might think. But it only takes about 15 minutes for the superhero team to foil his plans of world domination. For the writers of this hot mess, a side note: For a plot to be engaging, there needs to be actual conflict.

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Even he knew the fate of this movie

5)   What kind of scriptwriting has the characters announcing their actions?

Not only do they tell the audience their plans by actually yelling "I’ve got a plan!" out, but they also talk in bumper stickers! Lines to the effect of "We’re all family, nobody gets left behind!" are thrown around for maximum cheese. Hey, Reed Richards, Stitch called, he wants his lines back!

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