Michael Bay–the master-puppeteer of testosterone-laden excess– isn’t done toying with your childhood fantasies. With Transformers: Age of Extinction–the fourth installment of the Transformers movie franchise–opening this week, robot and explosion porn enthusiasts can expect to be warped with manic alien shape-shifting action.
Everyone’s favorite heroic Autobot, Optimus Prime, is back. This time he teams up with the all-too-beefy Mark Wahlberg, who plays struggling robotics engineer Cade Yager. When Cade discovers the lost Autobot hiding out underneath a pile of junkyard scrap, they team up to fight an ongoing war raged against Transformers and their kind.
In true Michael Bay fashion, you can expect a hot young starlet (Nicola Peltz, yowza!), a blinding slew of pyrotechnics, and our personal favorite: mad action sequences between CGI robots!
Optimus is in top sword-wielding form. And in this outing, he has the help of Grimlock, the Dinobot that will make fans the world over piss their pants in geek-tastic excitement (“It’s a robot and dinosaur all at once!”). Because we had nothing better to do than get a hell of a kick seeing robots duke it out to the death, some fantasy matches are in order.
We pit Optimus Prime against other pop-culture robotic heavyweights to see who comes out on top and who crashes and burns. It’s time to roll out!
Gipsy Danger from Pacific Rim
Robo-background: A Mark-3 American Jaeger controlled by two pilots whose brains are linked by a process called drifting, Gipsy Danger is a colossal war vet that’s had massive experience pounding Kaiju ass on the borders of the Pacific Rim.
The showdown: After battling side-by-side to pummel the relentless invading Kaijus back into the sea where they came from, Optimus gets fed up with the macho American sass of Gipsy’s pilot, Raleigh Becket. They turn on each other, creating twisted metal with shocked Kaijus as their audience.
The victor: Although Gipsy Dancer is a worthy opponent; the matter of human error comes into play. Blinded by his hubris, Raleigh and his co-pilot succumb to the fiery slashes of Optimus Prime’s Star Saber.
Voltes V from Voltes V
Robo-background: Super electromagnetic machine piloted by five brave individuals and designed to ward off aliens that hail from the planet Boazan.
The showdown: Not too fond of aliens, the Voltes V team decide to go after what remains of Cybertron, the home-planet of the Transformers. Ready to defend his home, Optimus gears up.
The victor: “Let’s volt in!” screams Steve, preparing their laser sword for a final slash. And although most would think that Prime’s got a home court advantage, he soon finds his amorphous metal body cut with the shape of a glowing “V.” Cue the Voltes V theme song! Alien?! Alien!
Mechagodzilla from Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla
Robo-background: Forged from military-grade armor coated in artificial diamond, this robo-lizard is one of Godzilla’s most fearsome adversaries.
The showdown: Threatened by the presence of Prime’s ally Grimlock, the humans tap the Japanese to unleash their secret weapon, Mechagodzilla, to rip apart the Dinobot.
The victor: Grimlock and Prime unleash an arsenal of beams and bullets toward the gargantuan metal reptilian, but Mechagodzilla’s diamond coating absorbs all their firepower. In a fit of desperation, they tag team, Grimlock distracting from the front as Prime fatally beheads the monstrosity from behind.
Sentinels from X-Men: Days of Future Past
Robo-background: An army of powerful robots built for mutant genocide.
The showdown: Prime gets pissed off when the Sentinels’ mutant hunting missions affect human bystanders. To protect mankind (and okay, maybe the mutants too), he makes it his personal goal to convert the Sentinels into refrigerators and microwaves.
The victor: Prime hacks and slashes through the Sentinels, but slowly he’s surrounded and ganged up on, multiple energy beams being thrown his way. But suddenly, the other Autobots arrive. Bumblebee, Ratchet, and Brains blast through, saving Prime from extinction.