Yesterday was an eventful day in the world of basketball, even if it wasn’t for the reasons that most of you think. We could say that it was interesting because of the NBA playoffs, but that would be a lie. The Washington Wizards spanked the Boston Celtics, while the Golden State Warriors destroyed the Utah Jazz. Ho-hum. The Wizards-Celtics game did give us the treat of an insanely testy game, but even the stunning sight of seeing Kelly Oubre Jr. bum-rush Kelly Olynyk wasn’t enough to wipe the stench of an otherwise boring day in the NBA.
But good God, was it a glorious day for basketball, and we have LaVar Ball, Big Baller Brand, and the $495 (Php25,000) ZO2s to thank for it. If you don’t know what the ZO2 is, spare yourself the trouble of searching it on Google because here’s the lowdown: The ZO2 is Lonzo Ball’s first signature sneaker. It looks a hell of a lot like a pair of Kobe ADs and costs as much as pair of Yeezys on the flipper market.
Take some time to pick up your jaws off the floor because the unapologetic audaciousness gets even better. The shoe itself has a price tag of$495, but if you happen to have enormous size 14 or 15 feet, the price for a pair shoots up to $695 (Php35,000). There’s also a limited edition Z02 WET that comes with its own clear acrylic case, white LED lights, and Lonzo’s autograph. A pair of these exclusives costs $995 (Php50,000), or just about the same price as a pair of those snazzy Valentino Rock Studs. And since we’re already knee-deep in the absurd, BBB also wants to sell you a pair of slip-ons for $225 (Php11,200) since, you know, Baller!
To be clear, we enjoy the LaVar Ball experience as much as we enjoy listening to that one uncle every family has who never seems to run out of bombastic stories from his days of debauchery. We don’t know whether to believe anything he says so we just nod aimlessly and then crack a laugh when he’s out of earshot. Papa Ball is a lot like that uncle of ours, except he’s cranked up his rhetoric to never-before-seen levels of inanity.
The whole concept of “context” is completely alien to LaVar Ball. He doesn’t just whole-heartedly believe in everything that comes out of his mouth, he’s not afraid to build up his case by doubling down on the bravado, reactions be damned. He can spit out stupid comments with the ease of somebody we haven’t seen since the halcyon days of Gilbert Arenas’ Agent Zero alter ego. It’s annoying most of the time, but it’s also hilarious in a lot of ways, maybe even a little endearing if you take his comments with a grain of salt.
Say what you will about his chart-topping levels of conceit, but the man has revealed himself to be one of the most entertaining personalities we’ve come across in recent years. At some point in the next few years, LaVar could publish an anthology of most ridiculous quotes and we’d gobble that up about as fast as a bodybuilder destroys a box of pizza on cheat day.
There are no certainties that any of his kids will turn into superstars in the NBA, although to be fair, Lonzo’s already being pegged as a future franchise cornerstone. But even if Lonzo and his two brothers, LaMelo and LiAngelo, don’t end up cutting the mustard in the league, we’ll at least have LaVar’s braggadocio and unfiltered mouth to keep us entertained for the next decade, or however long his children’s basketball careers and Big Baller Brand remain relevant. That thought alone is pretty exciting so as early as now, We’ll say this: enjoy the LaVar Ball roller-coaster, ladies and gentlemen.
There’s no telling where this ride is going to end up, but not knowing is precisely the reason why we're buying premium stocks on the LaVar Ball Experience. So if you’ll excuse us, we're strapping ourselves down to our seats, careful not to mess up our cheap-as-dirt Jordans.