It’s the age-old debate that has stood the test of time. The debate that has long divided history’s greatest philosophers and brightest iconoclasts. Rumors have it that this is the main reason why The Beatles disbanded. A debate that could change the entire course of the Earth once it’s settled.
Gatas o beer?
Both have its benefits. Milk is great for our bones. Beer is great with boneless bangus. Milk strengthens the mind. Beer tricks the mind. Milk is fantastic for our vision. Beer goggles. Okay, that last one isn’t always a good thing.
Well, the debate will finally be settled, at least for now and at least on the basketball court. The Alaska Aces and the San Miguel Beermen battle for all the marbles tomorrow, February 3 in Game 7 of the 2016 PBA Philippine Cup Finals. Just when the Aces thought they had the title in the bag, the Beermen have risen from the depths of the refrigerator and are now in the cups, er, cusp of history. Will they complete the improbable comeback and repeat as champions or will the Aces avenge last year’s loss?
With the magnitude of the do-or-die game, we here at FHM HQ decided to make an analytical and comprehensive preview. We plowed through advance statistics and made scientific experiments with the ghost of Dr. James Naismith. So here it is: Another version of the Walwalan Cup, tailored for the winner-take-all match. It’s a drinking game, basically, in case you're unfamiliar with the alcoholic man's lingo.
Of course, always remember: Drink responsibly.
Part I: Miscellaneous
- Drink a shot for every awful call by the referees. They have the toughest job in basketball though.
- Take a shot every time a hot lady from the crowd gets a cameo. Take two more if it’s a celebrity. Be prepared since several San Miguel players have popular lady loves: Michelle Madrigal, Ginger Conejero, Gwendolyn Ruais, Ashley Cayuga, Erika Ono, and Aerieal Patnongon.
- Down three shots for every appearance of Apple David (future FHM cover girl?) or Erika Padilla (two-time FHM cover girl?). The PBA doesn’t lack in eye-candy, definitely.
- Gulp a shot every time Magoo Marjon hollers "BAAAAAANG!" Gulp five more if Tim Cone shouts with him.
- Swig two shots if a kid is shown dancing. Swig two more if it’s an adult male. Finish the whole bottle if it’s your dad.
- Take a shot if Alaska’s mascot E. Cow gets TV time. Nakangiti pa rin kaya ‘yung tao sa loob kapag lamang na San Miguel?
- Down two shots if any ex-player of Alaska or San Miguel is shown on camera. Down four if it’s any of the following: Kevin Ramas, Braulio Lim, Bernzon Franco, Dong Polistico, Bryant Punsalan, and Marlon Legaspi.
- Drink a shot every time PBA commissioner Chito Narvasa is shown on screen. He looks like the strict/killjoy tito in every family reunion.
- Horde the pulutan when the Mang Tomas Siga portion/segment is on.
- Ogle at the TV when Jackie Rice’s Robust commercial is on. Make sure your wife or girlfriend isn’t in the vicinity. Practice your peripheral vision like a good point guard.
Part II: For Alaska
- Down one shot for every Dondon Hontiveros three-pointer. Beware: He’s due for a hot shooting game (he was scoreless in Game 6 and tallied only three points in Game 5).
- Swig two shots for every one-handed basket by Vic Manuel. Just give him the Most Improved Player Award already!
- Down three shots if Alex Compton is caught speaking in Tagalog. Down eight more if he cusses in Tagalog. We bet that’s impossible though. He’s such a class act. One of the nicest people you’ll meet.
- Take a shot for every JV Casio midrange jumper. Whatever happened to his play? It seems like he regressed this conference. Also, whatever happened to his hair? He looks like he’s older than assistant coach Topex Robinson.
- Drink a shot for every hang-time move by Cyrus Baguio. Drink two more if he smiles. Off-tangent: Remember his ridiculous gigantic headband during his Red Bull days? #NeverForget
- Swig a shot for every layup by Chris Banchero. Don’t look into his eyes. Don’t fall in love.
- Drink a shot every time you see a glint of RJ Jazul’s braces. But seriously, he’s a solid candidate for the Most Improved Player plum. Always been an intelligent player since his Letran days.
- Down two shots for every Sonny Thoss low post move. He gets our vote for the Secretly Strong Drinker among all the players. Parang kayang umubos ng isang case ng beer mag-isa.
- Take a shot for every Eric Menk rebound or Ping Exciminiano steal or Noy Baclao block. The little things count, boys and girls.
- Drink a shot every time Calvin Abueva crashes the floor. Drink two more if he starts running his mouth. Lick the TV screen if he sticks out his tongue. Unleash "The Beast"!
Part III: For San Miguel
- Swig a shot for every Marcio Lassiter three-pointer. Swig one more if he runs his hand over his perpetually shiny hair.
- Take two shots for every clutch basket by Alex Cabagnot. When the game is on the line, expect "Captain Crunch" to deliver.
- Drink two shots for every Chris Lutz crossover. The guy should be traded though. He’s under-utilized with the Beermen. He could blossom and be a superstar with another team.
- Swig a shot for every rebound by Yancy De Ocampo. His floundering career has been rejuvenated! He’s like the Greg Oden in China version of Greg Oden.
- Down two shots for every Chris Ross steal. Is he the Rajon Rondo of the PBA?
- Drink three shots for every flop by Ronald Tubid. He’s already been flopping before it was cool. He’s a hipster flopper. A hipflopper. Let’s make that a thing. #Hipflopper
- Down one shot whenever that bald San Miguel official who always has an upturned collar is shown on camera. Don’t forget to cuss afterwards.
- Gulp a shot if Nelbert Omolon enters the game. Gulp three more if he makes a basket. Finish the entire bottle and burn your entire house if he makes the game-winning shot.
- Take a shot every time Gabby Espinas complains. He’s been fantastic though. Drink another shot when someone mentions he’s a former Alaska player. Drink two more if someone says he’s a former NCAA Rookie-MVP.
- Take two shots for every June Mar Fajardo jumper. Here’s a question: If SMB wins, should he be named Finals MVP? He almost singlehandedly shifted the momentum to the Beermen since he returned from injury. Jireh Ibañes is out there somewhere nodding his head.
Like last year’s Philippine Cup Finals, Alaska and San Miguel have made it a nail-biting series. It’s always sad to see one team lose in a quality battle. But of course, there can only be one victor. If Alaska wins, drink all the milk you can and beat osteoporosis forever. If San Miguel wins, drown yourself in beer and belch all over your living room.
But whatever the outcome may be, we’re all winners. Ten words: Mara Aquino is assigned to do the wet dugout interviews.