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'Battle Of The Bastards' Reyview: Emotionally Satisfying For Fans

While Game 7 was happening in Oakland an equally exciting but infinitely more brutal battle was also going on in Westeros
by Rey de la Cruz Jr. | Jun 21, 2016
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The NBA Finals are over and unfortunately for Steph Curry fans everywhere, we've just crowned a new champion. In a grueling series, the Cavaliers were able to beat the Warriors after being behind 3 games to 1. Game 7 was a well fought battle by both sides that ultimately went down the wire and brought everyone to the edge of their seats. But as most of you probably know, while Game 7 was happening in Oakland an equally exciting but infinitely more brutal battle was also going on in Westeros.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about the much anticipated match-up on TV that does not involve the names Curry or Lebron: the "Battle of the Bastards" on Game of Thrones.

Nope, these guys are not Kevin Love and Matthew Dellavedova

Every Game Of Thrones fan knows what the Battle of the Bastards is all about. ("Bastardbowl" as some people like to call it.) It's a date that has been circled on our calendars and we've looked forward to since last week. However, to those of you who don't watch the show (here's everything you need to know about it so far) and can't understand all the hype surrounding this episode, well think of it as the Pacquiao vs. Mayweather of the Game of Thrones universe. Jon Snow, the well-loved offensive dynamo going against Ramsay Bolton, the much-hated and shrewd tactician. Both of them are born out of wedlock so they are literally bastards. Thus, the name of the episode.

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Don't you just love Photoshop? Now all we need in
this image are kittens and this would be perfect

You can also think of it as the NBA Finals of Game Of Thrones, only the loser in this case doesn't get to come back next season. In this battle, the loser dies. And in the world of Game Of Thrones, somebody always does. I'll leave it to Charles Barkley and the "NBA analysts" on your Facebook timeline to discuss what happened during Game 7 and how the Cavs managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Instead, I'll talk about how Team Stark was able to beat Team Bolton in the much-talked about latest episode of Game Of Thrones. And I'll talk about in terms of the NBA. Ayos ba? Uso e!

Never mess with someone with a dragon. I don't know why these people never learn

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While everyone was expecting to see the so-called Battle of the Bastards, audiences were surprised to find themselves in Meereen with Daenerys and Tyrion. With their city currently being attacked by the Masters of Astapor, Tyrion somehow manages to convince Dany not to kill every single one of their enemies. Instead, she can massacre just a couple hundred of them (alam mo na, para matakot lang) and then convince the rest to join her army that sails for Westeros.


It was once again a magnificent display to see Khaleesi ride her dragon and rain hell upon her enemies. If you saw her in the movie Me Before You and you've gotten used to her acting all sweet and cutesy, well you can forget that that ever happened.

You can forget about Me Before You. Emilia Clark is back to Khaleesi Mode

Khaleesi, in this episode, once again showed us why she's the most badass character on the show. Alam mo 'yung sa NBA All-Star game, kakanta muna si Beyonce sa pre-game introductions and that is a spectacle to see in itself? Ganito yun. We we're expecting to see the Bastardbowl but Daenerys gifted us with this gem instead. She once again showed us who runs the world. But although the pre-game show was nice, it's time to proceed to what everyone came here to see.

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It's Bastardbowl time! And the players are getting ready for the opening tip.

I don't think anyone would still dare to tell Jon
Snow that he 'knows nothing' after this episode

So who's the starting five for Team Stark? Of course we have the star player, Jon Snow, who like LeBron came back  to lead his team to the promise land. There's Tormund Giantsbane, who like Kyrie Irving is an offensive force of nature and the best fighter next to LeBron Snow. And then there's Ser Davos, the Richard Jefferson of the team, a veteran who has seen a lot of battles but haven't won any major ones recently. We also have Wun Wun the giant who is the Kevin Love of Team Stark, a gifted big man that makes you wonder why they don't use him more often. Finally, we have Petyr Baelish as JR Smith, someone who has a reputation for being untrustworthy and unreliable but can easily turn the tide in your favor when he actually delivers. Sansa Stark is Coach Tyronn Lue. Nobody seems to pay attention to her but she's the only one LeBron Snow will listen to.

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(Now before you accuse me of being biased or "BIAS" as the people of the internet likes to call each other these days, know that I was actually rooting for the Warriors to win. But they didn't, so tough luck. Jon Snow is LeBron James and not Steph Curry. Just play along with the analogy para masaya.)


Boyish looks with a preference for long-range
shooting? Does he remind you of anyone?

A douchebag as always, Ramsay Bolton gave us another reason to hate him in this episode. While holding Jon and Sansa's brother Rickon captive, just before the battle began he gave Rickon the order to run as fast as he can to his brother. As is always the case with Ramsay, things are not as straightforward as they appear. Our worst fears were realized when we find out that Rickon has to run to his brother while Ramsay shoots bolts of arrows at him. Jon then has to ride to him as fast as he can to save him. Hindi ko alam kung naglaro ng patintero si Rickon nung bata pa siya but he obviously doesn't know the concept of moving laterally or in a serpentine manner. As expected, he dies just as Jon was about to grab him. And with that, Team Bolton fires the first salvo and grabs the early lead. 

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Now say what you will about Ramsay Bolton but he has to be one of the most effective villains on television. The actor that plays him, Iwan Rheon, brought to life a character that will be remembered as one of the most hated ever. From his menacing grin, to his grating voice, you just can't help but hate this person. 

'Ipit mo sa kili-kili mo bro, kunwari sinaksak
kita tapos higa ka kunwari patay ka na!'

As a result, Jon Snow is successfully goaded by Ramsay Bolton to attack all on his own and not wait for his flanks to support him. Hindi ka titira pag walang re-rebound Jon Snow! But just when we thought Jon Snow was going to die (AGAIN) his army comes to his rescue and all hell breaks loose. What follows is one of the most amazing depictions of warfare on the small screen. The battle was like a beautifully choreographed dance of onscreen violence. It was gritty, it was brutal, and it was definitely bloody. It was like Braveheart, The Revenant, and The Last Samurai all rolled into one. The scene where the camera was following Jon Snow as he navigates the madness of the battlefield was a sight to behold and is probably the closest thing you'll get to experience something as crazy as this.

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The Clash of Clans upgrade looked very different from the previous versions

However, despite their ferociousness, Team Stark was slowly whittled down by the arrows of Team Bolton. Magaling talaga tumira sa labas tong kalaban e! The stronger forces of Ramsay Bolton was just too much for Team Stark to handle and they eventually surround them as Jon Snow and his men desperately fight for their survival. LeBron Snow and Tormund Irving can't do all the work by themselves. Wun Wun the giant then appears out of nowhere (bakit ngayon ka lang?!) and fights back buying them a bit of time. But it's still not enough.

Suddenly, the trumpets sound and the cavalry (or Cavaliers) arrives. Petyr Baelish's army comes to the rescue and runs over the Warriors of Ramsay Bolton. With a few quick shots from Littlefinger, they manage to cut down the lead of the enemy and turn the tide again against them. Ramsay Bolton runs off to escape while Jon Snow and his men pursue him to deliver the final blow.

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'Ang sarap maligo pagkatapos nito.' Jon Snow said to himself
as he tried to deflect the arrows being shot at him

Ramsay, in his final act of douchebaggery kills Wun Wun with an arrow to the eye. (Okay, kailangan talagang patayin na ni Jon Snow itong taong to ngayon na how can you kill someone named "Wun Wun"?) He challenges Jon Snow to a one on one battle and in desperation shoots arrow after arrow that LeBron Snow was able to block. Jon finally manages to grab a hold of him and bashes Ramsay's face in with violent blows to the head.  But just when Jon was about to kill him, he sees Sansa and leaves Ramsay for her to be ravished by his own dogs.

I don't know about you guys, but it definitely felt cathartic to see Jon Snow and Sansa Stark finally get their revenge on Ramsay Bolton. Every punch Jon threw wasn't just a blow to the face of a character that we hated, it was a blow to all the people who ever did us wrong. Yung lalaking siningitan ka sa pila sa lunch kanina! Yung taxi driver na hindi ka sinuklian ng tama! Finally there is justice in the world! And you can't help but feel happy for Sansa as she walks away from Ramsay while he dies through his favorite method of torture. Or maybe this show just makes us violent? Because I'm sure I was going to flip a table if Jon Snow died again in this episode.

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Coming soon to a Nike outlet near you: Air Jon Snow!

And like the championship draught that has plagued Cleveland in the last 52 years, the Starks were once again able to come home and unfurl their banner inside their arena. I'm sure it wasn't that long but it certainly felt like 52 years for them as well. Finally, something good happened to the most unfortunate family in Game of Thrones. 

Ladies and gentlemen, the Winterfell Starks, your 2016 Bastardbowl champions!

10/10. The Battle of the Battle was definitely worth the wait and the hype and it finally gave us the moment that we've all been wanting to see. It didn't have any twists like the episode 9s from previous seasons but it was emotionally satisfying for a lot of fan. The scenes from Meereen was a nice appetizer as well.


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