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Aug 11, 2015
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So, you've fallen out of love. What now?

You could tell it to her face, but are you really that heartless? (Actually, yes you are.) Breaking up isn't easy, especially in our country where males that initiate the break up are named the cruelest men alive.

So what's a man got to do? You can opt for the sneaky (yet still inherently cruel) way of pushing her towards breaking up with you. It's a reptilian tactic but she'll feel (slightly) better, knowing that she got to play the role of the dumper and not the dumpee. Start with these 10 douchebag-approved techniques...if you aren't already doing them:

1) NO COMPLIMENTS

Even if she looks amazing in her dress, act as if you didn't even notice. When she asks you how she looks, just laugh. Then think of something terrible to compare her to, you terrible, terrible man.

laughGIF via Giphy.com


2) BE GENERALLY AWFUL

Bring her to an expensive restaurant and order a lot of food. And we mean a lot. Make her feel like you're celebrating something. Then when the bill arrives, give her a pair of gloves. When she asks what it's for, tell her it's to protect her gentle hands when she washes the dishes. BOOM. Mean girls ain't got nothing on you.

GIF via Giphy.com


3) CUT OFF COMMUNICATION LINES

Never reply to her text messages or pick up her calls. You can also leave your Facebook online all day long. Then, when she sends you messages asking why you haven't been replying to her, do the only thing worse than not replying: seen-zoning. 

GIF via Giphy.com

4) MAKE ~*PROMISES*~. EMPTY ONES.

Tell her that on your anniversary, she'll get a chance to see the world, courtesy of you. Remind her about it each day. When the day arrives, hand her an atlas.

GIF via Giphy.com


5) MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE'S JUST AN OPTION

When she asks you out, tell her you're busy. Then go bar hopping with your friends, take a lot of photos and ask someone to post it on Facebook and tag you.

GIF via Giphy.com


6) SHOW HER YOU'RE INTERESTED WITH SOMEONE ELSE

Look at other girls when you're together. Be sure to turn your head to admire that hot girl over yonder. Don't forget to say a few compliments too such as classics like "Gee, that girl's hair smells amazing," and "Cute butt."

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GIF via Giphy.com


7) ACT LIKE YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN

Don't greet her on your monthsary or anniversary. If she gets angry, act like you don't care. And act really, really cold when you're together. Don't hold her hand. Don't dole out free hugs or kisses. "Wala ng libre ngayon," tell her.

fallGIF via Giphy.com


8) LEAVE EVIDENCE

Sneak into her house, then leave a shirt beside her bed. Then tell her you'll pay her a visit. Locate the shirt. Act like you're shocked to see a tee in her room and start whipping up a storm of a fight.

GIF via Giphy.com


9) DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING SHE SAYS/DO

Oppose her vehemently. Do not waver in this. If she's voting for candidate A, tell her you're voting for candidate B. When she's buying apples, tell her how oranges are far more awesome fruits. If she's going out wearing a white dress, ask her why she can't wear more black dresses.

noGIF via Giphy.com


10) TELL HER YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE

When she talks about your future together, tell her you don't believe in "labels" and "matrimony" because Game Of Thrones has completely ruined the very concept of weddings for you. Then talk about how you believe that "divorce" should be a thing in this country because "annulment" just takes too darn long.

marriageGIF via Giphy.com


Do all these things correctly, and hopefully, she'll get the hint. Then, make sure to pray to whichever evil deity you worship because congratulations, you've just made a man-hater out of her and she's out for blood—yours included.

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