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Mar 1, 2016
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If matchmaking—in the vernacular, the slang term is retois an art, then it’s different strokes for different folks. Find out what your diskarte is—and whether or not it actually works.


1) The Wingman

This is reto in its classic form. With a bar or a party as the setting; a lonely guy, his well-meaning friend, and a hot chick as the cast of characters; and a no-brainer plot that consists of the well-meaning friend walking up to the hot chick to introduce the lonely guy in true Barney Stinson haaave-you-met-Ted manner, this reto style is quick and convenient, but may not lead to long-term results. Especially if the guy you’re trying to “endorse” is awkward and lousy AF.

DOES IT WORK? Because this is usually pulled by strangers on wary single ladies who are so over archaic strategies such as this, the most it will get you is a polite nod and the smallest of smiles—tinier than your friend’s steadily shrinking ego.


2) The Eager Beaver

The E.B. usually comes out of nowhere, popping up on a girl’s Facebook Messenger inbox or suddenly commenting on her Instagram feed with an invitation to go out for coffee. (She’ll think, of course, “Ano ‘to, networking?”) When you explain to her that there’s someone you want her to meet, she’ll politely decline, but you’ll persist. You’ll follow up. And follow up. And follow up. Eventually, she’ll block you. You're more annoying than her mother, bro.

DOES IT WORK? Not really. Girls are often wary of guys who try to set them up with other guys, because it’s more difficult to trust a male acquaintance who is so hell-bent on helping out her love life than, say, a girlfriend who’s seen her through her sobfests and rom-com breakdowns.


3) The Collector

If you’re a Collector, you have a mobile, modern version of The Little Black Book keyed into your trusty smartphone, except you’re so generous, you’re willing to share the ladies with your friends. You’re often heard telling your buddies, “I’ll give you Anna’s number; she’s funny, smart, and not high-maintenance,” or, “You should meet Carla, mahilig din ‘yun sa comics.” You’re like a walking encyclopedia of reto knowledge, and it’s actually kind of impressive.

DOES IT WORK? It might. You know what they say: the more entries, the higher chances of winning. Unless those are all women you’ve discarded, and are only passing on to your friends to alleviate your guilt.

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4) The Negger

Negging, or the act of playing on a woman’s insecurities through backhanded compliments that are meant to make her more vulnerable to your advances and more eager to prove herself to you, is even more dangerous as a reto tool. Okay ka sana, Pam,” you’d casually tell one of your girl friends, “kaso ang manang mo.” This is in the hopes that she’ll realize that she needs to put herself out there more, and—ta-daaa!—it just so happens that you have a friend who can ease her out of her shell.

DOES IT WORK? It’s a dick move when you do it to get a girl. It’s still a dick move when you do it to help your friend get a girl.


5) The Love Guru

This one is probably the most evolved form of reto, because it requires a bit of research, a bit of psychology, some life experience, and a whole lot of sensitivity to the fairer sex. As a Love Guru, you’re also probably a girl’s guy, or the dude all the ladies flock to for love advice and enlightenment on romantic dilemmas. And because you’re such a good person, you use your L.G. status to end the heartbreak and bring together two individuals who you just know are perfect for each other. For you, “Two Less Lonely People in the World” isn’t just a karaoke jam; it’s your mission-vision for the world.

DOES IT WORK? Yes! God bless you, hijo.


6) The Happily Coupled

A close relative of the Love Guru, but with less noble intentions, this kind is born out of a pretty complex emotional mix: generosity (you want your friends to be as happy in love as you are), optimism (if you can find your dream girl, so can they!), and let’s be real, a little bit of FOMO. Because if you’re spending the weekend canoodling with your girlfriend, then you’d be missing out on all the wild boys’ nights out, which your single friends still have all the time in the world for. At least if everyone’s coupled up, then it kind of levels the playing field, right?

DOES IT WORK? Probably. If your girlfriend genuinely wants your friends to fall in love as much as you do, then you’ll have an ally in her, and she’ll make their prospects feel comfortable enough to want to be a part of your group. But if your motivations lean toward the FOMO aspect, shame on you.

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7) The Bantay-Salakay

They say beware of the bridge, and for good reason: It’s the bridge who usually ends up winning over the bridge-ee. Proximity, misplaced trust, and ill intentions make for a bad, bad combination.

DOES IT WORK? Never. Thanks for nothing, buddy.

 

GIFs via Giphy.com
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