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Sep 9, 2017
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Ah, Tinder, the pseudo-romantic game of Russian Roulette that chips away at our souls with every left swipe. Digital dating might have seemed disingenuous in the 2000s, but today, a Metro Manila-wide directory of potential lovers/stalkers is vital. It’s only natural that you’d want your Tinder profile to attract many a quality gal, so trust me when I say these are the guys that girls don’t want you to be. Let’s dive in:


1. The guy who doesn't use a picture of himself

 

His first photo is of a puppythat’s his pièce de résistance, likely because his real face wouldn’t even pass for an appetizer. A cursory look at his other photos gives us an obscure business logo (um…), a car (is he a Transformer?), a blurry photo of what appears to be their bathroom wall (Jesus Christ), and, finally, Eminem. Shake your head and say a small prayer for this sad little stranger. Look, on Tinder, it’s inevitable that looks matter, but you’ll have significantly better odds on the damn thing if you showed your real face.

2. The #swole dude

 

Tinder has an overwhelming abundance of gym mirror selfies. So abundant, in fact, that they should be outlawed. When we fire up the app close to a gym, we get a parade of extreme closeups of abs and biceps in various stages of batak. Don’t get us wrongwomen think Gym Boiz™ are really cute. But they'd rather see the totality of your lives beyond bench presses and sleeveless Nirvana shirts. Mix in some travel photos, for chrissake.

3. The pa-philosopher

 

This guy’s primary photo is him pensively staring into the middle distance, seemingly in the middle of freakin’ nowhere. He’ll unironically quote Marcel and Descartes in his bio, declaring to the world, “deep convos only.” He could want a genuine double-sink, his-and-hers-towels LTR, but he could also just be a softboy. Look, ladies have seen it all. Not every conversation has to be purely intellectual. They want someone they can be stupid with, too.

4. The kunwari-walang-pake

 

In a futile attempt to come off as non-desperate, this guy’s going to go out of his way to pretend he doesn’t actually want to be here. And yet, the supposed nonchalance of his bio will be inversely proportional to the effort he puts into curating his photos. Bigay na bigay! A piece of adviceand this goes for both guys and girls—if there are group photos on their profile, it’s safer to assume that they’re whoever you’re the least attracted to.

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5. The impossible dream

 

He’s attractive, he’s funny, his grammar is impeccable...and he lives thousands of miles away. Dude’s on Tinder Plus, which explains why his profile is visible. What women can’t comprehend is why there aren’t more guys like him in their immediate vicinity. (If you think about it, Tinder Plus entirely misses the point of digital datingdon’t make a lady fall in love with you if you’re on the other side of the world!)

6. The Future Something

 

There aren’t enough airplanes on God’s green earth for every single “Future Pilot” women encounter on Tinder. Future doctor, future lawyer, future nurseit’s a dating app, guys, not a job fair. Yes, women appreciate a guy with ambition, and it’s definitely great that you’re chasing your dreams. However, they'll be more invested in who you are right here and right now. That’s the you they want to get to know.

7. The One

 

This is the guy you want, nay, need, to be. He’s got a balanced set of photos: one or two well-lit selfies, one cool travel snapshot, and two photos that are indicative of his interests (him grinning at a comic book convention, or standing proudly in front of his small business). His bio is humblebrag-free and uncondescending, perhaps even funny. Most importantly, he’s a non-asshole whose niceness miraculously translates IRL. Because social media standards aside, it’s all about that first impression...and that’s where you’ll really need to put your best foot forward.

Illustrations by Carlo Maala

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