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Nov 29, 2014
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“Alam mo pare, dapat naging porn star ka na lang, eh.”

That’s what a buddy of mine once told me when I revealed to him my sexcapades (90 percent of which were fabricated, of course). Bro-lies aside, it got me thinking: Is there a fellow pogi FHM reader out there who dreams of pursuing porn stardom?

If you’re good at something, never do it for free, Heath Ledger's Joker once said. He had a point. If you’re good in bed, why not put your kalibugan skills to good use? Of course, you have to ask yourself first, “Do I have the chutzpah to be the next Ron Jeremy?”

For the answer to that super-important question, here are few signs that you’re destined to be the next big thing (get it?) in porn. If you really believe you have a future in the boning industry, don’t quit your day job just yet until you’ve gone through the list below.


1)   
WEARING UNDERWEAR IS A WASTE OF TIME

Underwear? What underwear?

You think wearing briefs is just a fashion fad that will go away soon. You emulate porn actors so much that just like them, you don’t wear any undies under those pants! So what if people can see your bulge? It’s not like they can steal them–hanggang tingin lang naman sila, eh.

Isn't that right, Mr. Jeremy?


2)
   DIRTY TALK IS YOUR NATIVE DIALECT

Quick, think of ten words that also mean “boobs.” If that was easy as pie for you, then you’ve got a gift for gab…in porn, that is.

Your tongue does wonders, whether it stays in your mouth or not. Question is, are you going to walk the talk, you little porn star in the making?

Isn't that right, Mr. ('80s) Jeremy?


3)
   YOU OWN THE MOAN

Singers sing. Actors act. Porn stars…moan.

In porn, people will forgive you if you’re an abysmal actoras long as you can moan like a pro. If you know when exactly to use your precious oohs and aahs, you just might be meant to share the limelight with a porn star like Dani Woodward below! You lucky fella you!

Image via photo.net

4)  YOU LIKE BEING WATCHED

You want an audience, you exhibitionist you. You will even risk getting involved in a life-ruining sex scandal if only to capture your epic moves in bed. Your biggest sex fantasy: having a peeping tom watch you while you masturbate in the bedroom.

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"Eh wala eh, natu-turn on ako 'pag may nanonood eh"
Image via exclaim.ca


5)   THE TERM "CAMERA-SHY" IS NOT IN YOUR VOCABULARY

You are never afraid of the camera. Hey, it’s not gonna bite, right? In fact, anyone who hacks your cellphone will see a well-curated album of your nude photos.

Despite hearing about “The Fappening,” you are never too scared to pose gamely for the camera—with or without clothes—even if you're doing some pretty weird shit.

You're messed up, Mr. Jeremy!


6)   YOU AND THE ENERGIZER BUNNY HAVE A LOT IN COMMON

You just keep going and going. You find energy drinks, herbal teas, and aphrodisiacs unnecessary because you simply just don't get tired. Kasi naman, mas masipag ka pa sa kalabaw. 

Well, with the proper motivation, who needs energy drinks?
Image via Imgur.com

7)   YOU SHAVE YOUR NETHERZONE

When you make it a point to always shave your pubes, it can only mean one thing: You want your partner to see your schlong unobstructed and in its full glory. You know, just like male porn stars.

Even if you have to endure the tremendous itch of your pubes growing back


8)   THE ONLY TOYS YOU PLAY WITH EITHER USE BATTERIES OR ARE MADE OF LEATHER

You can do away with action figures, as long as you have your sex toys. As for Christian Grey, he’s just another wannabe wuss to you because compared to your “toy collection”, his is nowhere near complete. You even have a mallet to play with:


9)
    TO YOU, ROLE PLAYING IS KEEPING IT REAL

Role playing to you is as natural as peeing upon waking up. One day, you’re a boss who wants to punish his secretary by stripping her naked. The next day, you’re a plumber who gets victimized by a sex-deprived wife.

You have no trouble slipping into the role of a policeman, pizza delivery guy, next door neighbor—you name it. All you need now is a screen name like Merlin Mabini and your friends won’t be able to tell you’re not a porn actor—at least, not yet.

Come on guys, Jenna Haze is waiting!

Image via greydogsoftware.com


Did you get a perfect nine? Then you’ll make a great addition to the porn biz! Anywhere between three and eight points bring you to the underappreciated male gigolo level—but read my column religiously and it just might get you places.

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What if you got a measly 2 or lower? It’s either you’re better off pursuing a career as a priest instead of a porn star, or sinungaling ka lang at ayaw mong amining pervert ka rin. And I bet it’s the latter, because if you think you’re so innocent, what the hell are you doing reading this in the first place, you hypocritical prude?


Stanley Chi
is the future porn star who penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, and the National Bookstore bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, is now available nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and brand ambassador. Follow him on Instagram (@supladotips), Twitter (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his blog!

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