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Jul 4, 2015
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Some guys can get away with naughty jokes because they look either harmless or handsome. (Case in point: me.) But really, how many of us were born lucky?

Let's find out. I will ask a series of questions and you'll try to answer as honestly as possible. Ready?

- Have you ever found yourself hating on another person because he's judging you of being a manyak?

- Do you think sex-themed jokes are funny rather than sleazy?

- Do most of the people you know believe that you either sleep with many women or want to, regardless of how decent your love life is?

If you answered yes to at least one question, then people probably think you're a creep, even if you aren't. You might have missed the memo when heaven started handing out innocent-looking faces or good-looking ones. #NasaanAngHustisya?

If this applies to you, I have one piece of advice for you: Steer clear of the Tagalog sentences and phrases below from now on. When you're handsome, girls might find your innuendo cute. But if you're not, they'll think you're a sleazy creep. Walang hustisya, mga bros.


1)  
“MAHILIG AKO…”

Don't start any sentence with these two words and then pause. It doesn't matter if you want to end that clause with, “...sa ice cream.” Especially if you're the type of guy who sports a default kagat-labi expression, JUST DON'T DO IT.

And please, don't even try to finish it off with, “…sa canton.” That's a quick way of ending up like Pinocchio here:


2)  
“ALAM MO NA.”

Try saying it in your best bedroom voice. It means what it means without saying what it means—which, to a girl who is old enough, will surely know what it means. Labo ba? Pero gets mo 'di ba?

It's the same with this phrase. It's vague but you know what it's trying to say; girls know what it's trying to say.

 
3)  
“GUSTO MONG TUMIRA DITO?”

There is a world of difference between "tu-mi-RA" and "tu-MI-ra." It's all about the accent, bro, it's all about the accent.

While you're at it, try not to say these words when there's a motel nearby. Man, regardless of how you say it, it's just wrong.

 
4)  
“IPAPASOK KO NA BA?”

Yes, there will be several times in your lifetime when this sentence is actually necessary. Like when you're popping in a DVD, or when you're walking your friend’s dog and the poor mutt is scared shitless by the feisty neighborhood cats.

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Just make sure that if you really have to say these words in front of a woman, you don't look like may balak ka, you're not smiling, and her hands are nowhere near your face. Otherwise, baka lang masampal ka.

Unless of course you're a mega-billionaire with an entire cave under his mansion:


5)  
“NAALALA MO 'YUNG GINAWA NATIN DATI?”

Seems innocent enough—until you're talking to someone you’ve slept with before. Totally not smooth, dude.

Although if you're on good terms with that girl, there's a good chance that she won't look at you as a manyak trying to desperately rekindle an old fling. She'll actually remember what you did last summer, and what a hot summer that was, and that it deserves "reminiscing"—if you know what she means.


6)  
“NAAALALA KO NANAY MO TUWING NAKIKITA KITA.”

Say what now? Do you think you're that guy in the "Stacey's Mom" music video?

There is no situation which justifies your saying this. None. These are the weirdest seven words ever put together, probably right next to, “Naaalala kita tuwing nakakakita ako ng talaba.” Nope.

You're in Barney's sights, bro. Behave.


7)  
“MASARAP BA?”

Pervy-looking dudes, beware: Asking this question can lead to a lawsuit if you're in the office, or merit you a trip to the principal's office if you're at school. Without proper context, you're essentially poking about their sex lives—especially if you're saying it in a weird way.

Under the same category of questionable questions, you will find the following: "Anong lasa? Pwede patikim? Pasubo, okay lang?"


Now, you know what words to steer clear of. Remember: If the girls still think you're a creep, puwede ka rin namang magpa-Botox, which will mask all your "manyak-looking-ness" and replace it with a weird, unsettling expression.

(Okay, actually that's even worse; don't do Botox.)


About the author: 
Stanley Chi penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, and the National Bookstore bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and brand ambassador. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his column here on FHM! 

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