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FHM Knows Style: The War Against Bacon

Our advocacy is to never let loose garter see the light of day again. Are you one with us?
by Ash Mahinay | Aug 21, 2014
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Bacon is awesome and makes everything better, but there is one situation in which this meat candy is not welcome—that is when it happens to your clothes. Specifically, briefs, socks, and shirt collars.

war against baconImage via Underwear Guy on Wikimedia Commons

There is no miracle garter that doesn’t eventually give up and loosen out, but there are ways to extend their life instead. How? Most wear actually comes from washing and not wearing. And lot of this wear can be avoided by hand-washing clothes yourself—a daunting idea, we know.

But if you’re man enough to spare your delicates from the wear and tear of the laundry shop, below is a
guide to doing it right!


war against baconGIF via

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Reverse washing

Turn them inside out before washing because your feet give off more filth than your shoes (i.e. dead skin and sweat). This also helps protect against fading. Hang them toes up.

Stash the fabric softener

Modern pairs, like athletic socks, often come with synthetic fibers—like nylon—for that extra stretch. These don’t stand up well to the extra chemicals, and fabric softeners can also impede on their sweat-wicking ability. Some detergents come with fabric softener in a 2-in-1 deal—in this case, that’s actually a bad thing.

Check your size

war against baconGIF via

Socks that are too big will bunch up and rub to pieces against your shoes or your skin. Wrinkles will give you blisters. On the other hand, squeezing into a too-small pair is stressful on the seams—this is a problem particularly with the no-peeking ankle socks.

Take it easy

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If you still haven’t outgrown your childish ways of yanking them up in one brutal motion, please roll them on gently like a condom or something.

But how many times can I repeat?

Once. Even if you feel like your feet aren’t sweaty, you don’t have 250,000 sweat glands down there for nothing.


war against baconImage via

Don't wring them out

This motion destroys fibers faster, especially the elastic fibers that keep your waistband nice and snug. Don’t get too gigil with your kuskos either. Light rubbing is enough.

Keep them out of the heat

war against baconGIF via

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Line drying directly under the sun contributes to the faster breakdown of the elastic bits. While the sun acts like a natural bleaching agent, it can also fry your undies prematurely. Give them some rays, but transfer them to the shade during peak sun hours instead of attempting to flash-dry them

But how many times can I repeat?

Once. We all talk about going side A and side B, but if you really must, the best option is C, for commando. Think of all the crap your underwear deals with (ball sweat, random boner fluid, piss stains, smegma) so your jeans/shorts/jorts don’t have to get soiled.

NEXT: For your kwelyo...and a few fabric-approved pro tips!

From FHM's May 2014 issue
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