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FHM's Foolproof Plan For Rehabilitating Addicts

A good degree of absurdity is crucial for it to be effective
by John Paulo Aguilera | Jun 14, 2017
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The National Policy is to have them shape up or get thrown out. Here at FHM, we always to want help, so apart from that mall of a rehab center, may we suggest the following…

1) Hire G-Force as zumba instructors

Dance workouts are perhaps the most popular type of lifestyle change, with reported participants in various parts of Manila and as far as Cebu. Surely, Teacher Georcelle and her peers won’t mind, especially if they’ll be hitting the floor for a positive cause. The fitting culmination: a grand recital at the Smart Araneta Coliseum with the reformers.

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2) Turn Kadamay units into detox facilities

Since the privileged informal settlers and majority of the public have yet to make a compromise on the housing dispute, why not just convert the estate into personalized cleansing rooms a la Trainspotting? If the urban poor group isn’t keen on budging, the government can order each household to adopt a patient as compensation for the free shelter.

3) Binge-watch Tagalized Breaking Bad

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If you think Walter White’s thrill ride might trigger a relapse on the participants, leave it to singsong Tagalog dubs to turn off any blooming admiration. Still, expect a few giggles every time Jesse Pinkman blurts out an impassioned “P*ta!” Each viewing session should have a post-episode analysis for the series to be taken seriously.

4) Have them restore the Banaue rice terraces

Think Zumba isn’t manly enough? Sweat the illegal substance out of your system, while at the same time foster a pleasant image, by doing hard labor on the iconic steps. The Eighth Wonder of the World continues to deteriorate and the indigenous community could use an extra pair of hands for the restoration and preservation of the tourist spot.


5) Attend live PBA games

The local professional basketball league is currently suffering from a turnout decline outside the matches of its two most popular teams, Barangay Ginebra San Miguel and the Star Hotshots. Mobilizing a ready hakot for the not-so-popular games could be beneficial. The reform policy should be that service is free since they get to enjoy the games anyway.

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6) Introduce a Pinhead-themed acupuncture treatment

Ear acupuncture, which is being implemented in Bacolod, is actually one unorthodox solution to control the narcotic urge. But imagine an augmented version of the ancient Chinese practice, this time channelling the Hellraiser antagonist and horror icon. More pins, more effective, we guess?

7) Put up drug detox bars

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Cleansing establishments that are out in the open (for example, in malls) can gradually remove the stigma that comes with rehabilitation. If mainstream doctors are making loads of money through the detox bar fad, what’s preventing specialists from developing a commercial medication that could be as simple as juicing?

8) Fans day with high-profile drug personalities

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Who wouldn’t want to rub elbows with their favorite stars, especially if it’s a famous person that you can identify with? Here are some ideas for celebrity-themed recreational activities: acting workshop with Mark Anthony Fernandez (caught with weed); DJ training with Karen Bordador (ecstacy); and a basketball camp with Dorian Pena (meth).

Illustrations Melvin Calingo

This story originally appeared in the June 2017 issue of FHM Philippines.

Minor edits were made by the editors.  

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