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WAIT, WHAT? Police To Monitor Former NFL Player's Penis

Why? Because he's a serial rapist, that's why.
by John Paulo Aguilera | Apr 15, 2015
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Nothing (ultimately) good comes out of misplaced lust, really.

Take the case of former NFL safety Darren Sharper, who seemed to have dodged a bigger bullet after recently agreeing to several plea deals regarding him being accused of rape in the American states of Arizona, California, Louisiana, and Nevada.

Darren SharperPhoto via Tulane Public Relations

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Sharper would only have to spend nine years behind bars, after which he will live under a set of conditions. Thing is, those stipulations aren't too kind as their name suggests. Although it still isn't enough for a serial rapist, we think.

We're talking about life-altering punishments that include...

- Three to five years after his release, California officials will track Sharper by GPS.

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"Watcha doing, Darren?"

- He will be required to undergo sex offender treatment.
Well, obviously!?

- No alcohol and bar-hopping for Sharper, including visits to liquor stores

- well as sex shops and Internet dating sites.

- Traveling more than 50 miles from his home or spending a night away will require approval from state officials.
Might as well chain him to his house.

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(And here's the best part...)

- He will undergo lie detector test and mandatory "penile plethysmograph" tests in Arizona...

...the second meaning a sensor will be attached to his schlong while sexual images are flashed before his eyes to gauge his libog level. (In case gumusto pa.)

Non-compliance would mean at least a 14-year jail sentence for Sharper before, ultimately, returning to a life under the same guidelines.

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Basically, the former pro football player has gone from hero to zero. Call us cruel but, buti nga sa'yo!

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