If you're on this site, chances are, you're old enough to have pamangkins and inaanaks. And you know what that means. Christmas plus pamangkins plus inaanaks equals pamangkins and inaanaks asking for pamasko!
If you have been particularly blessed, then go ahead, magpamudmod ka ng tig-be-bente ngayong pasko! If, however, you've spent all your money on your favorite beerhouse babes gifts for the special people in your life, and are running low on funds, then you've come to the right place, ninong.
Above: an artist's rendition of a kid asking his sneaky ninong for Christmas loot
Below is a quick five-step guide to how to avoid those open palms like a boss! If you're feeling guilty, here's what you tell yourself: "Eh hindi naman ako nagprisentang maging ninong ng mga yan no!"
Step 1: Wake Up Early on Christmas Day
Yes, we know it's a holiday. And we know it's supposed to be a day when you can just sleep the entire day if you wanted to or continue to stuff yourself silly with leftovers from Noche Buena. Unfortunately, the kids are going to arrive early (if they haven't already). And if they'll be the ones to wake you up, well, you're on your own there, buddy. Can't win at every front. Either wake up early or cough up the dough!
Step 2: "Inform" the Household
Suppose the unlikely has happened and you got to wake up at first alarm. What's the next step you do? For the escape to work, the entire thing has to be a group effort. Inform everyone in your household that "You'll be out on an errand to donate to needy people" or something to that effect. Or "Something's come up at work, and I'm the only capable body to do it."
No matter what you do, don't tell your mom, "Ma, itago mo ko sa aparador mo; nagtatago ako sa mga inaanak ko."
Step 3: Do not log in to any social media network. For that matter, avoid the Internet at all costs.
The temptation will be strong for you to post all the nice gifts you got or bought for yourself over the season on Facebook. Here's a tip: don't. Not only are you going to look selfish, you're also setting yourself up for the kids to discover you.
"Wala akong pera! Hindi sa akin 'to! Wala akong pera!"
Kids today are so technologically trained that if you do anything on the Internet, they'll be able to trace you one way or another.
Saka na yang status update mo!
Step 4: Avoid the malls
The mall is a wonderland for kids who just got their pamasko (not from you obviously) so avoid those places like the zombies have just broken through. Yes, we know that you want to spend all the remaining money that's making your pockets heavy, but hey, that's the price you pay for being a kuripot ninong! If the kids catch you at a mall, they'll immediately know: "Ay may pera tong loko na to." Combined with the fact that you're in a place where you can be publicly humiliated, you'll have no choice but to fork over the damned dough.
Step 5: When all else fails, ibigay mo na!
There is only so much you can do to avoid those lovable kids, and a limited number of excuses you can use. In the end, no amount of scheming will be able to save your sorry ass that forgot to allot Christmas money for those kids! So cough it up brother man! Think of it as an investment. Pag tanda mo, sila naman ang singilin mo: "O, mga bata, di ba may 13th month pay kayo? Pa-beerhouse naman kayo diyan!"
Once again, we, the FHM staffers greet you all a Merry Christmas!
Now excuse us; we have inaanaks to hide from!