How hard could living alone be?
Super hard if you've been the kind of person who couldn't be bothered to bring down mom's groceries from the car—that is, a horrible one. You eat, you sleep, you watch cartoons, lurk in online forums, repeat. It's the dream life. Then you realize you're getting old, and are slowly personifying that old joke about the nerd living in his parents' basement.
Ain't no one wants to be that guy. So you pack your bags, and you tell mom that you've decided to become an adult—and no amount of Puss In Boots pupil dilation from her could convince you otherwise. This is it. You're going to live alone. You're about to do what no sub-adult has done before...except for all your college peers who once lived in dorms, and work friends who actually have been comfortably doing this living-alone arrangement for quite a while now.
In the face of such a underwhelming realization, you put up the same response you had for that time you scored a C for your thesis: ¯\_('_ ')_/¯ Ha ha! You're just awesome, aren't you?
This living-alone thing, though? You're going to ace it. And we're here to help you with a list of essential skills for the man who's about to subject himself to a lifetime of tenancy embark on an awesome journey that hip, happening 30-somethings like to call adulting.
1) Not dying of a sudden asthma attack
Keep your medicine stash well-stocked—and not just with asthma inhalers. (Heck, we don't even know if you have asthma!) There are so many medical conditions you can suddenly die of: migraines, extreme coughs, extreme colds, diarrhea. And this time, there's no mom who can immediately attend to you. The only thing standing between you and imminent death is your medicine stash. Fill it with pain killers, pain relievers, and whatever people use to treat extreme coughs and colds.
2) Locking the doors
People are going to kill you if you leave the door open. It's just the world we live in now. Get a bat, put it in your room, swing at intruders.
3) Not leaving the appliances plugged in
If there's one thing worse than intruders, it's this: fucking appliances shorting out and burning the whole apartment complex. A classic safe-sex tip applies here: Pull it out.
4) Actually turning off the water heater
Double check before leaving the apartment.
5) Not ignoring bill deadlines
Always remind yourself that that date on the bill is a real thing—like, shit happens when you ignore it. Don't pay the water bill on time—no water! Don't pay the electricity bill on time—no electricity! Don't pay the rent on time—it's back to the parents' house for you. Don't pay your credit card bill on time—they'll ask you for more money next time, the greedy motherfuckers.
Bill deadlines are not like work deadlines, which are okay to ignore. Always remember that and your life will be just fine.
6) Putting water in the fridge
Unless you're fine with warm-ass water burning your throat all the time.
Even ferrets know cold water is where it's at
7) Not forgetting to buy filtered water to put in the fridge
Is your stomach okay with water coming straight out of the faucet? You can ignore this skill if your stomach has low standards.
8) Being not lazy enough to replace your bed sheets
It's not fun. Also not fun: skin infections caused by four-month-old bed sheets.
9) Sticking to a laundry schedule
You'll be surprised at how fast your hamper fills up. On the other hand, it's an awesome feeling every time you see an empty hamper and a full closet—as if you've been a very good adult that day deserving of a pat on the head.
10) Not playing videogames or binge-watching TV series and movies all day
Give in to the temptation and all the bills and the dirty clothes and the empty water jug will come to haunt your nightmares.
Yes. Tune out our warnings, young blood
11) Having the discipline to use the aircon for only a few hours
Ask yourself this: "Savings o aircon?"
12) A strong resolve to not completely rely on canned goods for subsistence
You need to establish a good working relationship with the nearby carinderia establishments
13) Always having some tape or Mighty Bond around
Things break. You won't always have time to fix them properly.
14) Being handy with a screwdriver
Also good for stabbing intruders in case you don't have a bat.
Right in the hand!
15) Defrosting the ref
Push that defrost button, Santa Claus. This is probably the realest advice you'll find in this article: A refrigerator that's not properly defrosted once in a while consumes more electricity.
Images and GIFs via Pinterest and Giphy.com