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Whoever Wrote This Splash Island Deal Must Be On Drugs

The copy on this bad boy is the gift that keeps on giving
by John Paulo Aguilera | May 5, 2017
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With almost everyone having access to it, the Internet is going batshit crazy by the minute.

In FHM's case, we've come across the most WTF-inducing posts online in the course of our daily rummaging for compelling stuff to write about.

Case in point: Metrodeal put up a Splash Island Summer Deal Promo, which slashes 40 percent off the usual all-day, all-ride pass for P299. This was a random ad for a discount voucher that seemed harmless, until the copy caught our attention.

Upon reading the description for each featured attraction inside the water park, we're convinced that the people responsible for writing this hot mess were high on the good stuff.

See for yourselves:

1) 'Water parks were created to prepare humans for ocean parks, which will be created when the moon destroys all amusement parks for its own amusement.'

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What better way to open a pitch than to blame the moon for the demise of every water park on the planet.

2) 'A swirling slide that is under rising pressure until a final drop dumps you in a pool, is the perfect place to test if sewing your passport into your appendix keeps it safe.'

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The writer lets potential buyers know that the water park has an attraction for everyone—from aquaphiles and thrill seekers, to surgeons and illegal recruiters.


3) 'A lazy ride ideal for the lazy child wanting to practice his or her lazy sprawl, which will be perfected 15 years later somewhere in the abyss of the living-room couch.'

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Moral of the story: one can casually insert highfalutin words such as "sprawl" and "abyss" into a sentence and expect it to offset the blatant redundancy. Also, all kids turn out to be lazy fucking bastards in the future.

4) 'A non-shark-related adrenaline rush...'

Of course, it's only appropriate to end the discount bid by assuring the safety and security of would-be patrons. Yes, there might not be sharks in their waters, but the amount of poisonous children's pee is bound to be just as fatal.

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