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Today In Weird Sex News: Woman Hooks Up With A Tree, Describes It 'The Best Sex She's Ever Had'

She's gettin' a lot of wood!
by Mary Rose A. Hogaza | Mar 30, 2015
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Ask a woman what her ideal man is and she’ll probably describe someone who is tall, dark, and handsome. Emma McCabe, a 31-year-old woman from England, says that she has found those qualities—in a poplar tree she calls "Tim."

Yes, a TREE.

"Wait, is this an early April Fool's joke, FHM?" you might be asking yourself. No. This is real news. And it doesn't end there—Emma is reportedly so head-over-heels with her "treefriend" that they are now in a deep-rooted sexual relationship.

Yes, they have SEX!

British tabloid magazine Closer was the first to report about Emma and Tim. According to an article published on their March 21-27 issue, Ms. McCabe said that Tim is the "best sex she's ever had."

tree sexGIF via

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“He fulfils my emotional and sexual needs," Emma told the magazine. "I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked. I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a pleasurable pain sensation, and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle.”

Emma also reveals that she pays Tim a visit four times a week and that sometimes there’s no sexual contact (you know, like normal relationships). She also vowed to be loyal no matter how many other trees surround her.

“I look at other trees but don't touch—I wouldn't cheat on Tim,” she shared.

According to Emma, her family was shocked upon learning of her erotic relationship with a tree (well, who wouldn’t be?), but eventually accepted it. She plans to get married with Tim, but “it would be a low-key ceremony with family."

All together now: WTF!

tree sexGIF via

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We know you still have several questions, like why don't Emma just look for a man? Well, she did. She says she had several relationships with real men but all failed.

Is she crazy? The easy answer is obviously HELL YES! Science says that Emma is suffering from a sexual perversion called dendrophilia (love of trees), a condition where an individual finds sexual arousal through trees.

Lastly, how does Tim feel about all this? Well, it seems like he doesn't have much of a choice.

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